


Long And Lost

by FirithAriel



Series: The Shadow Of Your Heart [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture, Past Brainwashing, Past Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-03-17 02:02:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 32,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13649145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FirithAriel/pseuds/FirithAriel
Summary: Victoria is an exile, banished to Earth 300 years ago. As part of her banishment, she lost most of her powers, until the one who bound her magic died. She had been working on and off for SHIELD, where she made some acquaintances.With an intergalactic war looming over the universe, the Avengers need all the help they can get.She must make the choice to go back home and face her past, and see someone who she never thought would see alive again.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> The prologue is set right before Avengers.  
> The first chapters are set after Civil War and they will intertwine with Ragnarok.

Pain.  
That kind of pain she hadn’t felt in a while.  
A long while.

Victoria had to excuse herself from the room she was in, eliciting a few weird looks from the people around her, and stumbled to nearest bathroom.

Her skin was burning so painfully, she was surprised smoke wasn’t coming out of it. It felt like she was being struck by lighting, over and over again. Her blood was molten lava in her veins, she wanted to rip them off.  
She couldn’t breathe, the very air felt scorching hot and it burned her lungs.

Gathering her strength, she focused her powers in trying to see what was causing this. She saw his face, she felt his power, and she recognized the threat. Fear shocked through her veins along with the pain. The signals had been there all along, this was just confirming what was inevitable.

Then, it was _that voice_. That voice inside her head was another thing entirely, that voice transported her to another world, another time, another life. A life she abandoned ages ago. That voice, so full of pain and anger, and hope, already giving up, fading away. But she wouldn’t let that happen.  
Not this time. Not ever.

_Hold on to me._


	2. Some things you let go in order to live

The long corridors of the Wakandan facilities hummed and vibrated, soft clicks and beeps gave the impression that this place was alive. That it had a heart of its own.  
Victoria had felt it since the chopper that brought her here entered the concealed forcefield. This place had a _soul_.

Steve and Sharon were walking two steps ahead of her, mumbling and muttering. Of course they were discussing _her_. Her presence, her willingness to help, could she help at all? Why would she wanna help? 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Victoria said, interrupting the other two. “You need help with brainwashing and I know how to deal with it.”

Steve looked at her with a hint of panic. “Does she read minds too?” He growled at Sharon.

“Yes, that too.” Victoria answered. “But, you weren’t exactly quiet about your doubts. I can still hear you.”

Sharon chuckled as Steve slightly blushed, but regained his composure.

“I am willing to answer most of your questions, Steve. Anything Sharon hasn’t already told you.” Victoria said.

“ _Most_ of my questions.” He pointed out. Victoria smirked.

“Yes, _most_. Wanna do that before or after I get to meet James?” She asked, stopping by a closed door.

Steve didn’t realize they had kept walking towards Bucky’s room. He peeked inside, and saw the wakandan medical team busying around Bucky’s capsule. They hadn’t brought him out yet.

“Okay, let’s grab some tea and you can drop the Spanish Inquisition on me.” Victoria said before Steve could speak. “I didn’t particularly enjoyed it the last time, but at least you ain’t gonna set me on fire.”

Sharon had to laugh at Steve’s face. “She’s a lot older than you.” She said.

.-

The cafeteria was sort of empty, a few people going in and out, taking coffees and pastries, and fewer taking seats by the window to enjoy their treats.  
Victoria was sipping on her ice tea, Sharon was biting on the croissant and Steve was sitting uncomfortably across both women.

“Are you going to say something, or I’ll have to read your mind?” Victoria said with a smirk, intently staring at Steve.

He just gulped. “You’re asking me to trust you with my best friend’s mind. I’m just trying to figure out how am I supposed to do that when I don’t know anything about you.”

“Very wise of you.” Victoria conceded, placing her cup on the table. “I’ll tell you all you need to know.”

“Which won’t be the whole story.” He pointed out.

“There’s over a thousand years of story, Steve. Do you have time for that?” She said, amused. Steve blinked blankly. “You know I’m an alien, and yes, I’m over 1000 years old by Earth’s account.” She stared, not taking her eyes off Steve. “I was born with magic and trained in several types of sorcery, my forte being mostly the healing part of it. When I was banished, most of my powers were bound and blocked, leaving me with the basic to survive and somehow maintain my longevity. When we are banished we’re supposed to become human. I didn’t.”

“Who banished you?” Steve asked.

“You don’t need to know that.” Victoria deadpanned.

“Why were you banished then?” Steve crossed his arms. “Banishment strikes me as a very hard sentence. What did you do?”

A shadow crossed Victoria’s face. “It wasn’t my crime.” She said. “It was my sacrifice. I was banished so someone else could live.” The tone she used was enough for Steve to realize that she wasn’t sharing any more information on the matter.

“And your powers? You said you lost them.”

“Magic can be bound by another sorcerer. But if that sorcerer dies, the binding breaks.”

“So your sorcerer died?”

“A few years ago, yes. She died and I got all of my powers back.” Victoria said, sipping on her tea again. “It was a surprise. I always thought she’d want me back on Asgard eventually.”

“Asgard?” Steve looked at Victoria, surprised, then at Sharon.

“Oh, yes. I didn’t wanna share that information for you, Vick. I didn’t know if it was my place.” Sharon said.

“So you know Thor?” Steve asked.

“Steve, Asgard is the size of the United States, with twice as many people and 3 different races. I know Thor as much as you know the Queen of England.” She explained. “Besides, the only parts of the palace I frequented while studying were the library and the sanctum. Do you see Thor in any of those?”

Steve smiled a bit despite of himself. “Not really.” He stirred his coffee. “What about Loki?”

Victoria stared blankly. “Loki.”

“He’s a magician or something.” Steve stared at Victoria intently. “He could’ve been studying in the library or the magic school.”

“You sound like Fury when New York happened.” Victoria said. “Loki is a prince--”

“ _Was_ , he’s dead.” Steve said still staring. 

“ _Was_ a prince, then.” Victoria said dismissively. “Again, they didn’t have much contact with us commoners. I told Fury the same thing: I know things of the royal family the same way you read the Daily Mail in the UK.” She sipped the last of her tea.

Steve just watched her, trying to decide whether he trusted her or not.

“I know you don’t exactly trust magic, Steve. The idea of some supernatural force driving everything is foreign and weird, and have someone that actually knows how to manage said force is even worse. Even having two acquaintances with powers similar to mine, you still fear it.” Victoria crossed her hands on the table and leaned towards Steve. “You wish there was a way to punch Hydra out of your friends brain cause that’s something you’d understand and could do yourself.”

Steve looked surprised and scared and sort of angry all at the same time.

“The world has always been full of strange creatures, and humans have always been afraid of them. Even in 1945, when you thought you were the only freak.” Victoria smirked. “300 years ago I was almost burned at the stake for _healing_ a little girl. People didn’t understand how using a few herbal infusions to clean a wound could save someone’s life, that only prayer could save you. So I must be a which, consorting with the devil, having powers I could only have acquired by selling my soul to an imaginary being called Satan.”

“You are a witch, though.” Sharon said with a giggle, just to cut through all the tension Steve was creating.

Victoria laughed a bit. “Yes, but I’m sure the only devil I’ve consorted with didn’t give me my magic.” She caught Steve’s puzzled look. “Oh, right, I was married once.”

Steve felt like choking with questions, but every answer just created more questions. Victoria took a deep breath and placed her hand on top of Steve’s. He wanted to pull away, but didn’t.

“Steve, you can either trust me or not. We don’t have to be friends, we don’t have to go to the pub together, you don’t even have to like me.” She spoke softly. “But I can help your friend, and given what’s coming, you’re going to need all the help you can get, including his.”

Steve blinked a couple of times, trying to focus his head again. “You did something to me.” He muttered.

“I just made you less anxious.” Victoria said, breaking their touch.

“That was--” He tried to adjust his head again, it wasn’t like she made him change his mind, she just sort of _untangled_ it. All the worries and doubts were still there, but there was also hope, and a chance. _A chance for Bucky_ , something Steve couldn’t let pass. He sighed, feeling a bit of the weigh on his shoulder disappear. “I could use some of that at night.”

“I’m sure you would.” Victoria smiled. “Now, will you let me heal your friend?”


	3. The monument of a memory, you tear it down in your head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of brainwashing.  
> LOTS of Steve/Bucky feelings

_Longing_

The voices in his head started battling each other, switching from german to russian.

_Rusted_

Focus, focus on anything. Steve, Wakanda, Natasha, red hair. Focus.

_Furnace_

Focus on Steve. Tell your brain a story: Steve has locked himself outside his house again, but you always carry a spare key.

_Daybreak_

Tell your brain a story. A story of throwing up in Coney Island.

_Seventeen_

No, not Coney Island. Throwing up in a cell, Hydra confinement. Hydra science division.

_Benign_

Back to Coney Island, a freezer truck-- No, not truck, capsule, prison, being forced to sleep. Being forced to wake up. Being forced to murder.

_Nine_

Snap. Remember all of it. You didn’t want to, but you did anyway. Snap. You tried to fight back, but it was useless.

_Homecoming_

Steve. Captain America. Iron Man. Tony Stark. Howard Stark. Maria Stark. Dead. Murdered.

“готовы соблюдать.” Bucky muttered, still trying to fight the daze. “ _No!!_ ”

“ _Hauta_.” Victoria let go of Bucky’s head and he immediately woke up, fighting for breath as if he was being kept under water. Out of instinct, he lashed out, missing Victoria’s neck by an inch and grabbing thin air instead.

Victoria put a hand on his chest and soothed him down. Bucky bent over as if he was going to be sick, and Victoria held him off before he could hit the ground, pushing him back on the chair.

“Eight. You got to eight words.” She said, sitting in front of him.

Bucky sighed and put his head in his hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. That’s exactly the problem right now.” Victoria took Bucky’s hand and made him look up.

“What?”

“Guilt.” She said, still holding his hand. “I asked you to pick a memory, something to distract you from the word chain, to break the association and give it a new one. You picked Steve, which is the obvious choice. But he’s too close to your guilt. You still think you’re not good enough, that you’re not worth the sacrifices Steve had made to get you here. You feel you’re to blame for what happened to the Avengers.”

“I am.” Bucky looked down again.

“Steve would argue with that. Not that you’d want to believe him, but--”

“I know what he would say, that it was his choice. But if it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t have had to choose in the first place.” Bucky tried to let go of Victoria’s hand, but she wouldn’t let him. “He’s my best friend and I love him--”

“I know how much he means to you, and I also know how much you mean to him. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here. If it were up to Steve, he’d get inside your head and he’d choke Hydra’s work with his bare hands, if that was what it took to fix you.” Victoria said.

“Maybe I’m beyond being fixed.” He said with a sad smile.

“Steve is not the one to fix you. I’m not here to fix you. You have to do that yourself. I’m just helping you through because sometimes we have to admit we can’t do everything alone.” Victoria laced her fingers with Bucky’s, a soft golden glow shone in between. Bucky gasped. “Maybe Steve is not the right choice, so let’s try and find something else.”

A swirl of memories flashed in front of Bucky, like watching a movie in fast forward. Or backwards. Clearly recent memories weren’t going to do the trick. _We have to go back_. To a time when he was happy.

A school, a playground. _Inseparable both in school yard and battlefield_.

No, that’s not going to work either.

Why does everything that have to with Steve is so painful now? Even watching things from when they were kids, things Bucky didn’t know he could still remember. He felt dissociated from them, it was like watching another person’s life. Small Steve, skinny Steve, always getting in fights, always trying to do the right thing. To prove himself, to feel worthy, not to be left behind.

Bucky watched one scene where he stood up to defend his friend, sensing Victoria’s presence there with him. _He’d always get in trouble, but he had me to cover his back. Sometimes I wonder if he did it on purpose._

Bucky had chased the bullies away, and helped Steve back on his feet. _It wasn’t a big deal for me, it never was._

_But it was a big deal for him. Do you not see the admiration and gratitude in his eyes, James?_

The scene changed, to a bridge. An overpass, with cars blowing up, gun machines and screaming people. _That man on the bridge… I knew him…_

_After 70 years of brainwashing they couldn’t take that memory from you._

The scene changed again to more recent times. Very recent times. He was talking to Steve about going back in the ice. _I just needed to know he was safe from me._

_Look at his face, James. Do you not see the love? The frustration he feels for not being able to help you? The great effort that it is for him to let you go again? But he did, because you asked him to. That’s how much you mean to him._

Steve’s bloody face looking up to him from the ground. _I’m with you till the end of the line._

Bucky’s brain was pounding inside his head. Fear, anger, frustration, hope, hopelessness, happiness, sadness, despair. It was too much for him to feel at the same time. Victoria snapped them out of the daze.

He let go of her hand, trying to catch his breath again, head still throbbing. “Well, that was educational.” She said, and he looked up to her smiling face. “I think I have an idea.”

.-

“Steve, the only way this is going to work is if you _let. her. in_!” Bucky said, frustrated after the 5th failed attempt. Victoria just chuckled and Steve groaned.

“It’s hard, okay?” Steve said, letting go of Bucky’s hand. “Your hand is all sweaty.” He muttered, wiping his own hand on his trousers.

“You’re the one throwing a fit here, pal. My hand is _dry_.” Bucky chimed, crossing his arm on his chest. “I’m not the one hiding anything from you _or_ from Vick.” He said the last part with a little hint of malice.

Steve glared at Bucky. “Oh, sorry for not liking people messing with my head and putting stuff in there! Last time that happened--”

“Seriously?” Bucky deadpanned, eyebrow raised.

Steve’s face fell. “I-I’m sorry, Buck-- I-” He sighed.

“Right. As much as I love to watch you bicker like an old married couple, I’m going to get some tea.” Victoria said, already walking to the door. “Don’t give up on him, James.” She added, with a wink in Bucky’s direction.

“This was your idea, Rogers.” Bucky said after the door closed again. “It was your idea to get me out, to find someone to help me. It took me weeks to trust her, to see what Vick was trying to do.”

“But it’s not working.” Steve mumbled.

“It is working!” Bucky said, trying to convey optimism. “Or it was, until--” He rubbed his face with a sigh. “It seems that _you_ are my problem.”

“What!?” Steve said, flabbergasted. “How can--? Did she--? Is she putting stuff in your head too?”

“Rogers, sit down.” Bucky said, with a giggle. Steve hadn’t even noticed he was now pacing. “You are my problem cause everything that is holding _me_ together is you. We’ve been friends for a really long time, we went through similar things, I was created to be your match.” A shadow crossed Bucky’s face when he said that. Memories of an exploding helicarrier and a toppling building, a city on fire… Bucky shook his head. “We are, somehow, in this together.” He looked down, twisting the hem of his shirt.

Steve sat down in front of Bucky again and grabbed his hand. “I’m sorry, Buck.”

“There’s a reason why you’re doing this for me.” Bucky said, still looking down. “I know I’m not worth the effort, but that hasn’t stopped you.”

“You are worth every effort, Buck!” Steve pulled on Bucky’s hand, and he looked up.

“You can keep yapping that all day, it’s not going to cut it. I need to see it, Steve. I need to see myself through your eyes.”

Having a realization, Steve just nodded.

Victoria came back inside the room. “Finally! Now let’s get to work.”

Steve and Bucky linked hands again. Victoria stood behind Steve, hands on his shoulders, and a soft golden glow engulfed his upper body. Bucky took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

_Okay, Steve. Think of James, show me something you used to do as kids._

Schoolyard. Two bullies were going against a girl, pulling on her backpack. Steve couldn’t let that happen, nevermind that he was no heavier than the girl’s backpack. The girl ran away, the bullies took to Steve. Everytime they’d push him down, he’d get up again. Until Bucky showed up and saved Steve.

_Saved him from himself, he’d always be doing things like that._

Steve looked up at Bucky as he helped him back onto his feet. There was something different on Bucky’s face, through Steve’s eyes, maybe a brighter smile, a glint in his eyes, something special. Something beautiful.

_That’s how you saw me?_

_How else was I supposed to see you?_

Fast forward to Steve’s mother passing away. His enormous effort not to cry, to be the strong one, to be the man everyone expected him to be. But not Bucky.

_You saw straight through me._

_I’m with you till the end of the line, pal._

Again, Bucky saw himself through Steve’s eyes. Caring, compassionate, friendly, loving. The same sort of glow that he had never seen on himself.  
Victoria took them to the bridge scene, when Steve found out Bucky was alive. Steve didn’t like it that much and started fighting.

_Relax, Steve, she know what she’s doing._

_That was a very complicated time._

Bucky? - Who the hell is Bucky? - Steve flinched. He remembered everything he felt, all the confusion, the pain. Also the determination to find him, to make him remember.

_You didn’t have to save me._

_You pulled me out of the water!_

_Still, you didn’t have to._

_You’re my best friend, Buck. You’d do the same for me._

 

Victoria’s magic slowly receded from their minds. Their eyes fluttered open, Steve immediately trying to wipe the tears. Bucky smiled and pulled his friend for a hug, Steve sort of reluctantly hugged him back.

Victoria smiled at them from the door. Bucky looked at her and mouthed a _thank you_ before she left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanna know something funny? I wrote the whole chapter, and only at the end I remembered BUCKY ONLY HAS ONE ARM!  
> And I had to proof read the entire thing _again_ to change it.


	4. I am teaching myself how to be free

_Longing_

Here we go again. Tell your brain a story. Playground, happiness. Kids running around. You’re playing tag with Steve.

_Rusted_

You fall to the ground. Head first into the snow. Siberia. No, Central Park. Tell your brain a story, a story of ice skating in Central Park. Head first into the snow.

_Furnace_

Freezer truck. You had no money for the train, you find someone to take you back to Brooklyn. It’s cold, Steve is shivering, his brow angry. You spent the money for the train on hot dogs.

_Daybreak_

Hot dogs. Steve punches your arm, you fall on your side dramatically, to make him laugh. But he’s not laughing, he’s reaching for you. You’re still falling. You hear him scream.

_Seventeen_

He screams, you scream and everything goes black. Tell your brain a story, everything is black, except for Steve. He’s there, he’s bigger than you remember. He’s carrying you out.

_Benign_

Now he’s falling, you jump after him. You’re carrying him out of the water. He saved you, you’ve saved him. No, he hasn’t saved you yet, but he’s trying.

_Nine_

Tell your brain another story. Steve in Wakanda. Back to the ice. No, not back to the ice, out of the ice. Steve is waking you up. He’s going to save you.

_Homecoming_

Steve is not alone. He says she can help you. He’s afraid of her, you are afraid of her, at first. She tries to breaks through. You’re still afraid of her, of what she does, of what she sees.

_One_

Not anymore. She can help you, and she does. Tell your brain a story, a story that hasn’t happened yet. A story you want to happen.

_Freight car_

Tell your brain a story. A story where you hold her, you kiss her, you tell her that you--

 

Victoria made her magic leave Bucky’s head, and stared at his panicked face.

“Vick, I’m sorry, I’m--”

“James…” Victoria took a few steps back before Bucky grabbed her hand. “Don’t do this to yourself.”

Bucky just nodded. “I get it, I just--” He chuckled dryly. “Why am I even trying to explain myself, you’ve seen everything.” He looked up at her and Victoria held his gaze.

“I really care about you, James, but--” Victoria shook her head and forced a smile. “Hey, let’s focus on the good news.”

“After making a complete fool of myself, it would be good to hear some.”

“You made it through all ten words.” Victoria said.

Bucky smiled widely and hugged her, feeling lighter already. After months of work and effort, breakdowns and migraines, finally. It was the first time in decades that Bucky felt truly happy about himself. Before he could process what he was doing, he had already picked Victoria off the ground and twirled around. Putting her back on the ground, his hand cupped her chin and he leaned in to kiss her, but she stepped back.

“I can’t. James, I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”

“Your heart belongs to someone else, I get it.” He offered. “Steve told me you were married.”

“I am.”

“Why was I under the impression that your husband is dead?”

“I can assure you is not for lack of trying, but he’s alive.” Victoria said. “Whether he knows I’m alive or not, that’s another matter.”

Bucky sensed there was so much story hidden between those lines, but it would be inappropriate to ask. Victoria, though, seemed to read his mind.

“One day. One day I’ll be able to tell you the whole story.” Victoria said, holding his hand. “Right now, though, you deserve a treat.” Placing a hand on his chest, Victoria made his clothes change from the white hospital scrubs to jeans and a red shirt.

“We’re going out?” He asked, with a hint of panic in his voice.

“I could give you the illusion of an arm if you’re worried about that. Or a jacket.” She suggested.

“A jacket would be fine.” He muttered, another flash of gold and he was wearing one. “I’m just-”

“Hey, we didn’t go through all that so you’d lock yourself away. So right now, you are getting chocolate ice cream, and a bit of fresh air.” She said, holding his hand. Bucky’s breathing calmed down, as well as his heart rate. He felt less anxious and _calm_. Victoria looked at him with a smirk.

“I absolutely love it when you do that.” He said with a tiny smile and squeezed Victoria’s hand, before letting her lead him out of his room for the first time since he arrived.

.-

_Longing_

It’s been 6 days. You had ice cream ( _chocolate ice cream!_ ) and a walk, and no one gave you a second look. For once, you felt almost normal.

_Rusted_

6 days. After the ice cream, you had a terrible headache, you blacked out. You haven’t seen her since. Was it something you said? Wait, of course it was something you said!

_Furnace_

6 days. She hadn’t even come to see you. You freaked her out, you moron. Tell your brain a story, she had said. But right now your brain doesn’t wanna cooperate.

_Daybreak_

All your brain offers is self-deprecation. Why did you have to even think about that? Why did that idea come to your mind in the first place?

_Seventeen_

Tell your brain a story. How about a story where you don’t fall for her? Or a story where you see her as just your doctor? A story where Steve actually could punch Hydra off your brain and you don’t know know her.

_Benign_

Steve’s voice is so annoying, and without her hold on your brain, you feel like lashing out. Oh, no, for all that is sacred, no. She would be really disappointed.

_Nine_

готовы соблюдать. No… remember her voice. Tell you brain a story. Steve is there, he doesn’t know yet. Imagine you’re telling this to Steve.

_Homecoming_

Huh, that’s a new story. Steve doesn’t know. Steve still doesn’t like her. But he doesn’t know her like you do.

_One_

What would he say? Of course he’d say it’s dangerous. Or pointless. He’d probably scold you for being stupid. But he doesn’t know her like you do.

_Freight car_

He doesn’t love her like you do.

 

A smiling Steve sat in front of Bucky and patted his shoulder. “You okay there, pal?”

“My head is killing me.” Bucky mumbled. “But, see? I told you it worked.” He added with a smile of his own. “Now, if you could help me to the bathroom, cause I’m going to be sick.”

“Oh, shit.” Steve said, grabbing Bucky’s arm and rushing him to the bathroom.

This wasn’t news to Steve. Victoria had said that without the magic hold in his brain, Bucky would have some remaining symptoms. Migraines, vertigo crises and nausea. Even some sleepwalking episodes Bucky had no recollection of. Right now, she was working with wakandan scientists, trying to come up with a solution. Or, how Steve would put it, trying to _un_ fry his brain.

Steve held Bucky until he was done puking. “Feeling better?”

“A bit. Still dizzy, though.” Bucky said, sitting against the bathroom wall. Steve sat beside him.

“This sort of sucks, huh?”

“Better than following orders.” Bucky sighed and looked up to the ceiling.

“We’re working on it, don’t worry. Victoria and Shuri will find a way.” Steve couldn’t help but notice the slight change in posture Bucky had at hearing Victoria’s name. “Okay, Buck, spill it out. Something has been bothering you the past few days.”

“It’s nothing.” Bucky said, rubbing his face. “And I really don’t wanna talk about it.” Without letting Steve prod more into the matter, Bucky stood up and washed his mouth and face. Steve stood by his side, just watching him. “Fine!” He broke, and Steve giggled. “I just- miss her. I haven’t seen her in days.”

“Well, you’ll see her tonight.” Steve said, walking behind him back to the room.

“What?” Bucky said, startled.

“She’s taking you out again.”

Bucky blushed, profusely. Steve couldn’t help but laugh.

.-

Bucky had never felt more normal _in his life_. Victoria took him to dinner, then ice cream and then a walk. All he needed was a ferris wheel and a hot dog, and he could’ve pretended it was 1940 and he was out on a date. But it wasn’t a date, and the only reason he could go out it was because of the magic hold Victoria had on his brain. Otherwise, he’d be throwing up everywhere, or even worse, blacking out.

But now it wasn’t time to think about those things. Right now, Bucky only wanted to enjoy the evening, doing something as simple and mundane as sitting with Victoria in a park. Enjoy the cooling air and the comfortable silence.

“I’m leaving for New York tomorrow.” Victoria suddenly said. “I should be back in a couple of weeks.”

“Oh.” He said, not really knowing how to react to that. Was it because of what happened? Was it because she didn’t wanna have to work with him anymore? His fingers tapping on the soft wood of the bench couldn’t manage to break through the heavy silence that followed.

“No, it has nothing to do with what happened that day.” She stated, holding his hand to stop the drumming.

“Don’t read my mind.” He sort of snapped.

“I don’t have to. Not anymore.” Victoria smiled at him.

“It just feels like-”

“Like I’m abandoning you?” She offered. “James, I wouldn’t do that. I will be back, but right now I do need to hand you over to Princess Shuri. I haven’t been around these days for that same reason, she asked for my help in making sure it would work.”

Bucky sighed deeply. “But you’re still leaving. What if it _doesn’t work_ and you’re not here?”

“It’s going to work.” She said reassuringly, squeezing his hand. “And I’ll be back before you even notice.”

In all honesty, Bucky didn’t want her to leave for his own selfish reasons. He had grown used to her being there, even in those 6 days he didn’t see her, he had missed her more than he was willing to admit. It didn’t matter that she had already rejected his advances, he needed her. He needed her like he hadn’t needed anyone since Steve.

If she was reading his mind or not, she didn’t say, but she laced her fingers with his and stood up. “We have to get back.”

They walked hand in hand back to Bucky’s room.

“Thank you.” He said, still holding her hand.

“Don’t worry so much. You’ll do just fine.” Victoria pulled him in for a hug. “We’ll go out and celebrate when I get back.”

Bucky just stood on the door frame watching her until she disappeared at the end of the corridor.


	5. Lost in the fog, these hollow hills

The old man was lost.  
He had been walking around aimlessly for what it seemed to be days.  
With every turn, something in his memory tried to come through, but to no end.  
He felt frustrated, he knew everything was there, right inside his head, but just out of his reach, blocked by a fog.  
Walk another block. This place looked familiar, and it didn’t at the same time. He had been there already, hadn’t he? Yes, of course, he walking around in circles!  
Just turn around. Okay, this looks familiar too, keep walking, maybe around this corner. He remembered the address, the building. Yes, just a few more steps...

And it was lost again. Scared, he seemed to be chasing off a bug as he flailed his hands around his head.  
The old man kept walking. Surely the next place would be what he was looking for.

.-

“Vick, you okay?” Sharon asked her friend across the table.

Victoria didn’t answer. She just kept staring at the old man crossing the street. The colors abandoned her face.

“Vick?” Sharon insisted, waving her hand in front of her friend’s face. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

“I have.” Victoria mumbled. “Something is wrong…. Something is seriously wrong!” She pushed her chair away and nearly ran outside the shop abandoning her coffee on the table. She looked around frantically, but the was no sign of the man she saw.

“Victoria? What’s wrong? Who’s that person you saw?”

“Dammit.” She muttered again. “That person shouldn’t be here, not should he be looking like that.” Victoria started speed walking, signaling for Sharon to follow her.

After a few blocks, Victoria managed to catch the old man again.

“Are we going to follow him or what?” Sharon whispered, snapping Vick out of her shock.

“Yes.”

And they did. The old man seemed to be really lost, he’d nearly sprint for a few blocks and then go backwards. Then he’d go around a whole block before realizing he was walking in circles. All of his behaviour only made Victoria more and more anxious.  
Finally, it appeared that the old man knew where he was going. Victoria watched him hastily walk to a building and disappear through the front door.

_177a Bleecker Street. Shit._

“Are we going in there too?” Sharon asked.

“No. I can’t. I know who lives there and I’d rather not to reveal myself to him.” Victoria ran a hand through her hair, trying to think. “I have to go back.”

“Back where?”

“Asgard.” Victoria stopped and took a deep breath.

Sharon had too many questions: Victoria coming out of her exile? Who was that person she saw? Why did his presence mean that she would have to go back? Whatever was wrong in Asgard, would they be hearing from Thor, then?  
Victoria resumed her walk, visibly shook, so Sharon remained silent.  
Both women walked around apparently aimlessly for a while.

“Vick, where are we going?”

“Looking for…” Victoria kept walking, a faint light glowing in her hand. “Empty… no people…”

“What?”

“Space.” She stopped. “Quite literally.”

Sharon looked at her confused, realizing they were standing in the middle of an empty parking lot. Victoria took a deep breath, her hands visibly shaking. “Are you going to be okay?” Sharon said, rubbing Victoria’s arm.

“I will.” Hesitantly, Victoria hugged her friend. “Tell Steve that I’m sorry. And James--”

“Don’t worry about that now. Whatever’s got you this shook, it must be bad.”

“I feel like I don’t know half of it.” Victoria let go of Sharon and stood in the middle of the parking lot. She closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them again, they were glowing gold.

A bright multicolored beam engulfed Victoria, and made her disappear, leaving behind smoke and the sickly smell of hot tarmac.

.-

Everything was so bright, so golden, so… irritating. Victoria wasn’t exactly happy to be there.  
She was bracing herself to be greeted by Heimdall. During her short time in the bifrost, she had selected a few words for him. But in his place there was this other guy, by the name of Skurge.

“Who the Hel are you?” She asked.

“Who the Hel are you?” Skurge spat back. “How in the name of Valhalla did you activate the bifrost?”

“I used to live here… a long time ago.” Victoria explained, feeling really uncomfortable, not only because of this strange looking man, but also because of the two scantily dressed women that accompanied him. “I need to speak with King Odin.”

“Well, I cannot let you do that. You have been marked as an exile.” Skurge said. The two women giggled. Victoria realized that their amount of clothes was similar to their amount of brain cells.

She was going to speak again, but the soft tingle on her arms stopped her. “Don’t worry.” Victoria smiled. “Thor will be here in a moment, he’ll let me in.”

“What do you mean? How--” Skurge was cut short by the sword on the bifrost blinking. “Oh, shit.”

The bifrost opened, leading not only Thor but a giant dragon head. Victoria managed to conjure a small shield to protect herself, and Thor noticed her.

“You… what? How?” Thor said, looking at her like a gaping fish.

“Yes, me, my dear muscle-head.” Victoria said with contempt. “I need to see Odin right away.”

Thor stopped for a few seconds, examining her face. “You have my permission to enter.” Victoria curtsied mockingly. “And-- I’m sorry for--” Thor didn’t know how exactly to articulate his next words.

“That’s why I’m here, Thor. Because of _him_.”

“But, he’s- dead?” Thor said, more as a question than an actual statement

“Is he?” Victoria smirked, raising and eyebrow. "You and I both know better than that."

There was a short moment of understanding, before Thor waived his hammer in the air and took off.

“Don’t you just hate his showing off?” Victoria rolled her eyes and then turned to Skurge and his mortified expression. “C’mon, _guardian_. You’re to introduce me to your king.”

“Oh, shit.” Skurge cursed, trotting off on the rainbow bridge, with Victoria right behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki is coming on the next chapter!  
> 
> 
> As a suggestion, now it would be a good time to go read The Shadow Of Your Heart. Just saying..... 


	6. Can the city forgive?

“Behold… Thor… Odin’s son…” Skurge said out of breath.

“No, you had one job. Just the one!” Loki said, pointy finger and all. For years he had successfully impersonated Odin as king of Asgard, just to have Thor ruin everything, _as usual._

Skurge continued, before Loki could turn him into a toad. “...and also this woman who I’ve never seen before.” He stepped aside and Loki found himself looking at a ghost.

“It’s not-- you cannot-- ” He stammered. All color dropped from his face, and he was having trouble breathing. A surge of memories came to him, memories he had worked too hard to bury. They pressed on his chest painfully.

Victoria felt her heart thumping in her throat. “It is me.”

“That’s not possible.” Loki choked. “You’re _dead_ …” He stepped back, this had to be a trick, an illusion. It just wasn’t possible.

Victoria shook her head and extended her hand. “Loki, _it is_ me.”

All he had to do was touch her. Touch her and she would be real again. Touch her and he would know everything. Or touch her and watch her fade away like she had in a million dreams. He felt a bit faint, darting his eyes between her hand and her face, trying to overcome the fear of losing her _again_.

Loki held her hand. _“Sigyn.”_

Victoria felt the weight of the whole universe had been lifted from her heart at hearing Loki say her real name again.

“Sigyn.” Loki repeated, pulling her close.

“No one has called me that in a few centuries, but yes.”

Despite Thor’s objections, Loki grabbed Sigyn’s waist, teleported them to the palace and ran through the corridors to his chambers. It wasn’t until they had to dodge a hammer to the head that they stopped.

“Thor, for Bor’s sake, can I just have 5 minutes with my wife who I haven’t seen in _three hundred fucking years_?!” Loki snapped.

Thor hesitated for a second. “Where’s father? Did you kill him?”

“Odin is on Midgard.” Sigyn spoke softly. Both brothers looked at her. “I saw him on Earth, that’s why I came back.”

Thor stared at Loki, arms crossed on his chest waiting for an explanation.

“Yes, I left him on Midgard.”

“Great, let’s go find him.” Thor attempted to grab Loki, but Sigyn stepped in between.

“Five minutes, Thor. Odin ain’t gonna leave Earth.” She placed her hand on Thor’s wrist. “Please.” Thor’s expression soothed, his whole body seemed to relax for a bit. Loki made a great effort not to laugh, cause he knew Sigyn had used a bit of magic on his brother.

“Fine.” Thor said begrudgingly. “Five minutes.”

Loki didn’t wait for him to even finish, he just pulled Sigyn inside his chambers and closed the door behind them. Whatever explanation she wanted to give, was quickly cut off by Loki’s lips on hers, kissing her furiously against the wall.

“I can’t believe you’re here.” Loki breathed out between kisses. “I can’t believe it’s you!” His hands were all over her body. “How is this possible?”

Sigyn smiled, as she laced her fingers with his, staring directly into his eyes. “We are still bound, Loki.”

Loki focused his power in her. A fast forward movie of events: Frigga getting Sigyn down to the lower levels of the sanctum. _“It is his punishment, not yours! So we’re going to trick them both.”_  
Frigga blocking most of her powers.  
Banishment to Midgard. _That would explain the clothes._  
A place called Iceland. England. Scotland. Norway. Germany.

New york. The invasion, being tortured by Thanos. _You were there? I thought it was a dream!_

Svartalfheim. _I knew you weren’t dead._

Loki’s powers slowly receded from Sigyn’s mind, he took a deep breath. “How?”

“Frigga allowed me to keep some of my magic to block you out, but at the same time weak enough so Odin wouldn’t realize and you wouldn’t try to find me.” Sigyn stroked his face with her thumb. “At first it was really hard. You were so desperately trying to hold on, a couple of times, I sort of let it slip.”

“The dreams I had after you--”

Sigyn nodded. “After a while, you stopped. It became easier to block you, then it was routine. Until--”

“Thanos.” Loki muttered, fear sliding through his body like an ice shard. “When he was-- I knew I could feel something. I thought, like before, I was just dreaming of you. Saving me. Again.”

“I was. Saving you. _Again._ ” She said with a little smile, cupping his face with her hands. “I love you, you idiot. As I have loved you for nearly a thousand years.”

Loki’s answer was to lift her off the ground, her legs around his waist, as he started kissing her again. It had been a while since he had felt this happy, of felt anything really. Ever since he lost her, he had been on a daze, his feelings frozen and cut short. The very sight of her had awoken so many things he thought were lost to him. Now, she was in his arms, again, _alive!_

_Alive._

Loki didn’t want that moment to end. Sigyn detangled herself from her husband mere seconds before Thor came in booming. Loki smiled knowingly: even small things like that he had missed.

“Time’s up, sorry.” Thor said, looking everywhere except at the couple.

“We still have clothes on, Thor, no need to be embarrassed.” Sigyn said, patting Thor on the back.

On their way to the bifrost, small talk was an awkward thing. Sigyn didn’t wanna explain anything to Thor, and apparently he thought it was awkward too, specially when he was walking a few steps ahead of a seemingly happy couple. Loki was gripping Sigyn’s hand, prodding and testing the bond, reading whatever she allowed him to read. Which was a lot easier than asking.

_Who the Hel is Bucky?_

She suddenly heard in her head.

_Seriously, Loki?_

_Yes, seriously._

_He’s my science project. I’m helping him._

_Huh, you’re working for the Avengers._

_Sort of._

_Were you working with them in New York too?_

_Where are you going with that?_

_Were you in New York when--?_

_No, I wasn’t, I was hiding cause they were asking too many questions! As usual, I was trying to protect you and myself!_

_So why are you helping them? Why didn’t you come back?_

_Odin would’ve finished what he started. And I would’ve endangered your mother._

A moment of silence.

_You like that kid._

_Don’t be absurd._

_I’m not being absurd! You like that kid, that’s why you wanna go back._

_You know what? I’m not listening to you anymore._

_You are listening to me. Why didn’t you tell me you were alive? Why were you hiding from me? Why didn’t you show yourself in New York? Or after Frigga died and you got your powers back. We could’ve done so much together! But no, you were working with the Avengers. And that kid, that Bucky… so eager to go back to him now, have you slept with him yet?_

Thor stopped cold at the sharp sound of a slap, and he turned around to see Loki holding his face and Sigyn glaring at him. How had they gone from being all happy to see each other to this?

“I’m sorry.” Loki muttered. “I don’t- I shouldn’t--”

“What did I miss?” Thor said tentatively, but they ignored him.

“After everything we went through, you _dare_ asking me that?” Sigyn clenched her teeth together and forcefully put her hand on Loki’s chest.

He felt it like a lightning, it made him dizzy for a few seconds as he couldn’t see a thing. But the feelings were there: pain, cold, numbness. He felt disoriented, scared, like running naked in a dark forest, not knowing where the danger was, but feeling it all around. He felt the frustration, anger, despair. Powerless. Hungry and powerless. Cold and powerless. Alone and powerless. The only thing that he could work in his favor was taken away from him. No, not him, _her_ , he felt what it was like for _her_. He was drowning, the air dense and hot all around him.

Loki fought for breath when Sigyn let him go of the spell.

“If I survived, it was for this moment right now. Nothing else.” She said, staring at him. “Because I dared to hope that I would see you again.”

Loki just choked on everything he’d like to say.

“We need to go.” Sigyn said. Thor looked utterly confused, but silently trudged behind her.

“Soooo…” Thor said. “What about Odin?”

“I know exactly where he is.” Loki deadpanned.

“I don’t think he is where you left him, but in any case, you’ll get help. Someone will find you.” Sigyn explained.

“How come?” Thor questioned.

“Loki’s magic is too powerful and I don’t think he’ll make any effort to hide it.” She explained, getting an annoyed look from Loki. “ _He_ will find _you_.”

“You’re not coming with us.” Loki realized.

“No. I need to stay out of the radar of that person.” The trio finally reached the bifrost and was ready to be launched on Midgard. “Besides, this particular family encounter will be awkward enough without me in the middle of it.”

Both brothers nodded. Thor took a deep breath, and out of the blue, hugged Sigyn tightly.

“I should be used to people faking their deaths.” Thor said, side-eyeing Loki. “But this time, I’m actually happy to see you back.”

Sigyn smiled. “Thanks.”

 _I’m sorry._ Sigyn heard in her head, Loki was looking at her sheepishly. He gave her hand a light squeeze before the multicolored light sucked them back to Midgard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The cat is out of the bag. (Though I think it was fairly obvious)  
> My girl is back! <3 <3
> 
> YES! Go read The Shadow Of Your Heart series, if you haven't.


	7. All those bridges, now old stone

How do you even begin to deal with the idea of you wife, who you thought was dead, isn’t actually dead, and is currently stuck at the other side of the universe, working with people who thoroughly hate you?

Add on it that you yourself are stuck in a foreign planet, trying to sweet talk your way out of imprisonment, doing your best to impress a being as ancient as the universe itself who calls himself the Grandmaster and runs a fighting arena.

And, on top of that, your father is dead, you found out you have a sister _(adopted!)_ that no one knew of, who is dead set on conquering Asgard and the rest of the nine realms. Thor is missing, Mjolnir is destroyed and Ragnarok is about to be unleashed.

Loki couldn’t even pick a thing to start worrying about. Besides, he was still insanely jealous of that Becky or Bucky- _whats-his-face_. How _dare_ he to even look at his wife? That annoying, pesky, unworthy little piece of-- _mortal_.

After ages of locking away his feelings, they were now overflowing. The worst of all was hope. Underneath the pain, the betrayal, the frustration, the distrust, and the fear, there was that tiny little glimmer of hope. Hope that once this was all over he could get to be happy again.  
Even if he didn’t exactly feel like he deserved it.

People asked for a monster, and he had become one. He _had been born_ one.  
With a dull empty feeling he realized Sigyn didn’t know of his true parentage, and he couldn’t do that to her.  
Loki dropped on the makeshift bed, head between his hands, still trying to make his head cope. Focus, one crisis at the time.

“You’re going to give yourself an aneurysm.”

Loki jumped from the bed and nearly fell. “Sigyn.” It wasn’t really her, but a projection, sitting on the far side of the tiny room. He sat straight again, smoothing down his vest. “What is an aneurysm?”

Sigyn chuckled. “Right, not a term you’d come across in Asgard.” She stared at him intently, sensing his discomfort at her use of a _midgardian_ term. She also sensed the disgust towards what she was wearing. “Subtlety is not your forte, is it?” She said, changing her clothes to something more familiar.

“Not when you can read my mind.” Loki said, going to sit by her side. He lined the edge of her face with his finger, making the projection shimmer.

“Where are we?”

“Sakaar.” Loki said, not really explaining anything. “I’ve been trying to find out more about it, but it hasn’t been easy.” Sigyn kept looking at him, allowing the silence to stretch. “You know I’ve never been one to talk.”

“I know, but I also know you need to talk. Otherwise I’d just read your mind and be done with it.” Sigyn put her hand over his, the static tickling his fingers. “Your head is a whirlwind, and your heart--”

Loki shifted uncomfortably and crossed his arms. “I’m fine.”

“Alright then, let’s get the obvious out of the way.” Sigyn said. “It was your mother’s idea.” Loki knew she was talking about her death, or lack of it. “That day, we didn’t go to Odin. We went to the sanctum, and figured out how to fake everything.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Loki uttered, looking at the floor.

“Would you have let me do it? Leave?” Sigyn watched Loki shake his head. “Odin had to buy it, and you had to believe it too for it to work.” She sighed, trying to run her fingers through his hair. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do: to cause you pain, to make you believe the bond was being broken. To watch you--”

Loki looked at her. “You were outside.”

She nodded. “What you saw inside was Frigga’s illusion. You nearly ran into me, too.” She added with a small smile.

Sigyn put her hand near his chest. Loki was back in that cellar, but this time he watched himself run out and drop to the floor. Back on the present, he clutched his stomach subconsciously.

“Now you know how Thor feels everytime you fake your death.” She chuckled.

“I’ve only faked it _once_.” Loki pointed out. “The other one, I didn’t know I was going to survive.”

“But you did.” She stated. “That’s what you always do, survive. And you will survive this place too. If there is someone who can talk his way out of anything, it’s you.”

Loki smiled and looked at her. “I’m taking that one as a compliment.”

Sigyn extended her hand to him, Loki detangled his arms and put his hand on top of hers, barely touching it. He could feel the soft strum of energy, weak as it was. Warm, inviting, familiar. He allowed himself to enjoy this closeness for a moment, as it filled him with-- _feelings_. It felt foreign, to feel, after all this time.

“I know you think I’ve betrayed you. I know that you’re jealous and possessive too. I know that if it was up to you, you’d march to earth right now and rip some heads off.” Sigyn said, and Loki just chuckled dryly. “But what I said to you on Asgard is true: if I survived, it was just for this. For you.” Loki looked at her and gave a small nod.

“I’m sorry, for accusing you. I just--” Loki closed his eyes. “So much has happened.”

“I wish I could fix you, but only you can do that. You have to decide if you wanna trust me again.” Sigyn said, not hiding the slight hurt in her voice. Loki looked at her, not even wondering how she noticed.

“I wish you were here.” He admitted.

“I wish _you_ were _here_. You look rather nice in midgardian clothes.” She chuckled and he smiled.

“I don’t think I’d be welcome on Midgard, though.”

“That can be arranged.” She shrugged. “You have to start by getting out of this cell.”

Loki felt the weird dizziness of her foresight. “I had forgotten how that felt like.” He shook his head. “Someone’s coming. You need to leave.”

Sigyn just looked at him, smiling as she dissolved.

 

.-

 

Her ice cream had completely melted when Sigyn focused back on this planet, but she wasn’t in the mood to eat it anymore.

“Vick?” Sharon’s voice interrupted her. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine. Are we leaving already?” Sigyn pushed the ice cream away.

“Not for another hour.” Sharon said and sat across the table. “You’ve been acting weird since you got back from Asgard. Wanna share?”

Sigyn took a deep breath. “Other than what I already told you? About Hela and Ragnarok, and the destruction of my home planet?”

Sharon gave her a look. “C’mon. I know there’s more to it, and I’m guessing it has to do with your husband?” She suggested.

“It just couldn’t be simple. It just couldn’t be-- _normal_ , for once!” Sigyn shook her head.

“Vick, the poor guy spent the last 300 hundred years thinking you were dead. How is that simple _or_ normal?” Sharon said. “And I do get the feeling that’s just the tip of your inner turmoil.”

Sigyn had to repress the laugh that came to her at hearing someone refer to Loki as _the poor guy_. “There’s a lot of inner turmoil right now, but…” Sigyn took a deep breath. “There’s nothing I can really do about it. He’s still stuck at the other side of the universe, and I have work to do here. Have you heard anything from Steve?”

Sharon knew not to push the matter any further and followed Sigyn’s change of subject, informing her of the advances made in Wakanda. Bucky was doing a lot better, he wasn’t blacking out or sleepwalking, but the migraines weren’t relenting.

“…but I think that’s just because he misses you.” Sharon watched Sigyn roll her eyes. “Oh, he knows it’s a lost cause.”

“No, he doesn’t.” Sigyn said matter of factly, and Sharon couldn’t really argue. After all it was Sigyn who had lived inside Bucky’s head for months.

“And he’s getting a new arm! Steve thought that would lift his spirits!” Sharon added, just to break the uncomfortableness.

Sigyn smiled widely. “Now, that’s good news!”

The conversation dragged on with lighter subjects, until they had to board the jet back to Wakanda.

Sigyn wished she could sleep during the flight, but her head kept swirling with all she had been confronted by in the past few days: Loki, Hela, Ragnarok…  
Loki… she couldn’t completely block Loki’s stream of feelings, his inner storm created ripples that affected her own mood.  
Sigyn wished she could soothe him, hold him, convince him it would be alright, but such promises were beyond her reach. Loki would have to decide how and if he would face Ragnarok by himself, and that was the least of his problems.

Still, she dared to hope.

_Hope._

The same hope that was tearing Loki apart, was giving her life.  
Hope that, once all of this was over, they could be happy again.

But she had to do something first.  
It was time to tell them, _him_ , the truth.

 


	8. It's been so long between the words we spoke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not-so-subtle sex scene, sort of.  
> You'll get it when you read it.

As soon as the jet landed, Bucky ran to the patio. He hadn’t been this excited in days. He couldn’t wait to see her again, to tell her how well he was doing, to show her the new arm prototypes Princess Shuri and he had been working on.  
The first thing he noticed when she got off the plane, were her eyes landing on him. Bucky couldn’t hide the smile. She smiled back.

“I am so happy you’re back!” He said, pulling her in for a hug.

“I was away for only a couple of weeks!” She giggled. Her laugh was short lived though.

_Tell him to get his dirty paws off you!_

_Shut up, Loki._

Sigyn allowed Bucky to hold her hand while he dragged her into the building.

_Sorry, PAW. What happened to his other arm?_

_Seriously, Loki, shut up!_

Sigyn could feel Loki giggling inside her head. _Idiot!_

“Victoria!” Princess Shuri greeted them as soon as they got into the cybernetics room. “You’re finally back! Bucky really wanted you to be here for this!”

“Princess.” She greeted with a small nod, then eyed Bucky who was standing by her side with a slight blush on his face.

“I just- I just wanted to know if you like it.” He said sheepishly.

Shuri showed them the new arm prototype, and Sigyn could do nothing more than praise her for her work. It was an extremely delicate and amazing piece of tech. She also noticed the golden appliances, and had to suppress the smirk when Shuri told her those were Bucky’s idea.

“I wonder where did that come from.” She rolled her eyes.

As Bucky allowed some personnel to fiddle and examine his shoulder, Shuri took Sigyn’s arm and pulled her away.

“I need to talk to you about the other thing.” Shuri said. “He has been doing really well, we hasn’t had a blackout in several days, but--”

“Migraines.” Sigyn nodded. “Sharon told me they were getting worse.”

“Yes. And we’ve discussed it with the medical team and everything inside is head seems to be running pretty well.”

Sigyn shook her head. “Not everything inside his head is well.” Shuri looked at her a bit puzzle. “He’s not sleeping.” Shuri kept staring at her. “And I’m guessing he hasn’t told you.”

“No, he hasn’t. But it makes sense.” Shuri stared at Bucky, who was getting his clothes back on. “I’m going to kill him, though.”

As soon as the door opened, Shuri was all over Bucky, poking fingers on his chest and scolding him for keeping things from her. Bucky didn’t think it was such big of a deal, and laughed it off.

Sigyn just stared at them from the doorframe, until Shuri left the room exasperated.  
She was drained, and Bucky noticed.

“I was hoping we could get something to eat.” He half suggested. “I’ve been a little scared of going out without you here, to be honest.”

_Tell him to get lost._

Sigyn just closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead, not even letting Loki know that she had heard him. “I’m sorry, James. I’m tired and jetlagged.”

Bucky looked slightly hurt. “I’m sorry. You just got here and I’ve been dragging you all around. Why didn’t you say something?”

“You were just so excited.” Bucky blushed again and Sigyn smiled. “Tomorrow, after we figure out how to make you sleep, we’ll go out.”

She gave his hand a small squeeze before walking away from him.

.-

Back in her assigned bedroom, Sigyn decided to have a bath. She hoped it could soothe her headache for a while. The irony: she could heal headaches easily, just not her own. Making use of her magic, she got the bath running and discarded her clothes. It wasn’t long until she was enjoying the hot water on her tense muscles.

The peace was short lived, though.

“You just couldn’t help yourself.” She said. “You just had to interrupt my moment.”

“You know me better than expecting me not to do it.” Loki’s projection was at the other end of the tub, making it look like they were sharing the bath. “These chambers are appaling!”

“Better than your tiny cell.”

“I already got out of it.” He said with a smirk.

Sigyn looked at him puzzled. “In less than twenty four hours?”

“It’s been almost 3 days.” He said, not as smiley now. Then he sighed. “We’re so far apart even time runs different.”

Sigyn sighed and relaxed again. “How is Sakaar treating you now?”

“With respect. I made acquaintances with this- being- the Grandmaster. He’s crazy, but he can be amenable.”

Loki watched Sigyn close her eyes and drop her head back. He could feel her legs on his end of the tub. It was getting hard to keep the illusion there, with her body going through it.

“You’re tired.” He said hoarsely.

“Quite the understatement” She said, opening one eye to look at him.

“And it is my fault.”

“A bit.” She admitted.

“Why don’t you block me?”

“Because I missed you.” Sigyn said with a shrug. “I missed having this.” She pointed to both of them.

Loki’s projection shifted and hovered over her. His face an inch away from hers. “Let your hair lose…” He said softly. Sigyn complied. He wished he could run his fingers through her mane, bury his face in it. Would it still smell of lavender and sunlight? Loki leaned even closer, still not touching her. “Close your eyes.” Sigyn took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

Immediately, her head was flooded with Loki’s illusion. They were in their old asgardian chambers. Sigyn looked around. A myriad of memories flooded that room. Happy times. Devastating times.

_Not now, though._

He was hovering over her. It felt like the beginning of so many times they had been together.  
Sigyn watched Loki run his hands over her body. It was weird, cause she knew he wasn’t touching it, but the memories were so engraved in her that he didn’t need to. She could remember everything.

She could remember the pause he always did right over her hips. How he loved to line the underside of her breasts before cupping them. That lazy tweak he did with his thumb that made her shiver.  
Loki dropped his head to her chest. He still wasn’t touching her, but she could remember how his tongue worked on her breasts before giving way to his whole mouth. Her breath hitched a bit. Loki smiled.

Without words, he kept tending to her body. Working her up like he had a million times before. His hands ghosting over her legs sent shivers down her spine. Sigyn looked at him in their illusion, crawling back up in between her legs. Both knew what would come next.  
Sigyn gripped the edges of the bathtub, concentrating hard to keep the illusion going.

Her hands went for his back, and Loki arched his body. He remembered too. The soft way her nails would trace the edge of his shoulder blades and the bones of his spine. The weight of her thighs around his waist. His breath was picking up.

_How I wish I could kiss you!_

_I wish to do a lot more than kiss you._

Both smiled.

Keeping the illusion was even harder now. In reality, Loki was fisting the sheets of his bed, head buried in a pillow. Sigyn’s knuckles were almost white on the edge of the tub, water splashing out of it.

_This should be impossible._

_They are memories! We’re only remembering how this feels._

Oh, they could remember. They could remember so well even their thoughts were out of breath. Sigyn felt every ridge of Loki inside of her, as Loki could feel all her soaked heat around him.

_Loki… I’m…_

_I know… fuck!_

The illusion shattered, leaving them both floating on empty space. Sigyn could almost feel Loki snuggling on her neck. She opened her eyes to the brightness of the bathroom. Loki’s illusion was gone.

_That was-_

_It was._

Sigyn smiled to herself and got out of the bath. Still on a daze, she braided her hair and got into her nightgown. She felt all tingly, and she could sense Loki was in a similar state of mind.

_Goodnight, my love._

Was the last thing in her head before drifting to sleep, sort of happy, and sort of satisfied, knowing that at the other side of the universe, Loki had made a mess of his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame Loki for the bath scene.  
> I swear I just wanted Sigyn to relax for a bit and then Loki as there and everything went out of control.  
> Loki is well on his way to become my intrusive thought!!


	9. If you could just forgive yourself

Next morning, and true to her word, Sigyn went to get Bucky and headed for Shuri’s lab.  
Sigyn knocked him unconscious, despite his protests, so they could work inside his head. It didn’t take her long to realize that his lack of sleep wasn’t related to the de-brainwashing process. The images she saw inside his head were terrifying.

“Night terrors…” Sigyn said, feeling a bit strained. “He’s having night terrors, that’s why he can’t sleep.” With her magic locked inside his head, she roamed between memories and made up monsters.

No, this had nothing to do with brainwashing. This was pure Bucky, trying to deal with the trauma and the fear. She saw him murder innocent people, blow up buildings, cause fake accidents. The small difference between the dreams and the memories were the slight change of color.

Memories were more monochromatic, like they were recorded in sepia. Sigyn guessed it must have been cause he wasn’t doing it on his own. When those events happened, he had been violently coerced to do it.

Dreams, however, were in bright primary colors, if not exactly accurate. Blood was the brightest red, people were the brightest yellow, and Bucky saw himself as the darkest black. This was him feeling guilty, seeing all the ghosts of his past coming back to haunt him.  
In his nightmares, the dead wouldn’t stay dead. He would try and run, but the shadow that engulfed his body would follow him. Everywhere he looked he’d see the faces of those he had murdered. They would be wearing the bright red stains of the blood he had spilled. The other yellow faces with haunting white eyes would look at him and whisper. They knew, everyone knew, everyone could see the shadow around him. His hands were covered in blood, no matter how hard he tried to wipe them clean.  
He could hear other voices, trying to convince him it was not his fault. But they would be drowned by the whispers of the dead, blaming him, pointing at him, howling at him.

Sigyn could sense the fear, the guilt, the pain. The enormous baggage of over 50 years of violence and death. It didn’t matter to him that he wasn’t responsible for it. He had still done those terrible things. And right now, he didn’t know how to cope.

Slowly, her magic receded from his brain. Bucky woke up a few seconds after.

“I’m going to be sick.” Was all he mumbled before bolting to the nearest trash can.

Sigyn knelt beside him, one hand on the back of his neck, the other on his chest. The nausea disappeared and the headache dimmed down.

“Thanks.” He said hoarsely.

“Yeah. My fault. Sorry about that.”

“Any luck?” He stood up slowly, but wasn’t looking at her.

“I think you know the answer to that, James.” She said as she helped him up.

“Bucky. My name is Bucky.” He suddenly snapped. “Why don’t you ever call me Bucky?”

Sigyn just looked at him, slightly thrown off, but not entirely surprised.

“I’m sorry, I--”

Bucky didn’t say anything else and stormed back to his room. Shuri was about to go after him, but Sigyn stopped her. She knew they had to let him calm down on his own.

“It’s not something any of us can fix.” She explained.

The rest of the day, Sigyn felt really conflicted. She had to tell them the truth. But after Bucky’s outburst that morning, she also feared his reaction. Specially knowing how he felt for her. It took her months to get close enough for him to trust her, and now she was going to put that trust on the balance. And not only Bucky’s, but also Steve’s. She reckoned Steve would take it even worse.

“I don’t get why it bothers you so much.” Sigyn just rolled her eyes at Loki’s projection.

“You wouldn’t understand even if I tried to explain it.”

He glared at her. “You care for him.”

“Yes, I do.” She stated. “Loki, we are NOT having this discussion again.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything!” Loki said, Sigyn raised an eyebrow. “Sometimes I do hate that I cannot lie to you.” He growled.

“They are my friends. I understand it’s not a familiar concept for you right now, and I’m not asking you to trust them.” Sigyn stood right in front of him. “I’m asking you to trust _me_.”

Loki took too long to answer that, and Sigyn shook her head sadly.

“I already told you I can’t fix that for you.” She said.

Sigyn felt a slight tightness on her chest before Loki disappeared.

.-

Bucky had been pacing for a while in his room. After what had happened that morning, he refused to go out, even taking his lunch there. Steve tried to talk to him, but he, as usual, was shutting off everyone.  
He knew why he hadn’t been sleeping. He knew that he oughta say something, but didn’t. Things were going so well, he refused to spoil it with something is insignificant as not being able to sleep. But maybe it wasn’t so insignificant.

 _You have to fix you yourself. I’m just helping you through because sometimes we have to admit we can’t do everything alone._ She had said once. And she was right. He couldn’t do this alone.

He was fresh out of the shower when his door was knocked. He assumed it was Steve again, and went for the door with a groan.

“I thought I told you to--” He stopped cold at seeing Sigyn there. “Hi.” Suddenly, he felt really self conscious of wearing nothing but a towel.

“I said I’d take you out tonight.” She said. “You thought I wouldn’t come.”

Bucky sighed heavily. “I’m sorry for what happened this morning.”

With a wave of her hand, Bucky was dressed. “Is that outfit good enough or--?”

“It’s fine.” He mumbled.

“Stop worrying about this morning.” She said, holding her hand out for him to grab it.

Wordlessly, he did. Maybe it was easier to just let her read his mind. It saved him from having to explain himself. Sigyn, of course, noticed.  
They did their usual tour of burgers, milkshakes and ice cream, before going to the park.  
Bucky liked being there, just watching people going about doing their stuff.

“This is a nice change from your nightmares.” Sigyn said. Bucky looked at her startled. “No one is looking at you, no one is accusing you. Just normal people going about their day.”

“It is.” He sighed. “I wish it were real in my head too.”

“It could be. But it won’t be easy. Nor fast.”

“You can’t magic it away then?” He said with a half smile.

Sigyn smiled. “I wish.”

“I’m sorry for keeping this away from you all, I know you mean to help me, but--” Sigyn just looked at him, waiting for him to continue. “Things were going so well, I just didn’t wanna ruin it.”

“The only way you can ruin it is by giving up, James.”

Bucky was still a bit upset about the name she used, but said nothing.

“But, I cannot really be angry at you about not being honest, though.” She said. “I haven’t been completely honest with you either.”

He looked at her seriously. “Is it about your- _past_?”

“Sort of.” She started. “There are two reasons to why I call you James. First one it was to try and keep some distance between us. That didn’t work so well.” She chuckled.

Bucky rolled his eyes.”And the second one?”

“It sounds too much like--” She stopped and sighed. “You’re not going to like me telling you this.” Sigyn took a deep breath before she kept going. “I am not just an asgardian exile. I’m an asgardian _princess_. By marriage.”

Bucky shifted a bit. “You’re married. To a prince.”

Sigyn nodded. “An _asgardian_ prince.”

“And I’m guessing is not Thor.” Bucky said, drumming the bench with his fingers.

“The norns forbid, no.” Sigyn bit her lip and watched all the cogs fall into place inside Bucky’s head.

“ _Oh._ ” He said in a burst of realization. “Wait, are you talking about that guy that tried to take over the world and destroyed half of Manhattan?”

“The one and only.” Sigyn said rolling her eyes.

“Why does everyone think he’s dead?”

“Because he faked it.” Sigyn said like it was the most normal thing in the universe. “To avoid imprisonment, execution, to get back at his father…”

“And you knew he wasn’t dead?”

Sigyn paused before answering. “Yes.”

“Steve said you didn’t know them.” Bucky’s tone lowered. Sigyn didn’t have to read his mind to know he was quite miffed about her revelation.

“I don’t think SHIELD would’ve been very fond of me if I revealed my royal status. Nor who my husband is.” Bucky kept quiet for a moment. Sigyn just let him digest everything.

The whole planet knew who Loki was, what he had done. But only a few knew why he had done it. And Sigyn was sure that no one, besides her (and maybe Thor), knew what Loki had gone through to get to that point.

“How does it feel to be married to a mass murderer?” Bucky said viciously.

Sigyn chuckled dryly. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you.”

Bucky stopped the drumming on the bench. “I can’t believe you--” He gripped the end of the bench tightly. “Why help us? Help me?”

“I’ve been working for SHIELD for a long time.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“What are you expecting me to say? That I did it on his orders? On his behalf?” She said, her usual calmness shattering a bit. “I’ve spent centuries away from my home, away from him. Until a few weeks ago he thought I was dead. It hasn’t been exactly easy…” She rubbed her forehead. “I am not my husband. If I have worked with SHIELD, or anyone else who I thought needed me, I did it on my own account. And that includes you.” Sigyn sighed deeply, and stood up.

“Wait-” Bucky said, slightly panicked. He was angry, but he was still terrified to be out by himself. “Where are you-”

“Let’s get back.” She said, not leaving any room for Bucky to argue. He just stared at her for a moment, and she held his gaze blankly.

This time, Sigyn didn’t hold Bucky’s hand as she usually did. They just walked their way back in complete silence. She didn’t need to read his mind. His posture and his expression were already an open book. Besides being angry, he was burning with suspicion. He wanted to trust her, she had promised to help him and she had done so. But her motives were never clear. And still, that she would be working with Loki was farfetched.  
None of them said anything until they reached Bucky’s room.

“I do care for you, _Bucky._ ” She said. She wanted to say more, but shook her head instead.

“Victoria--”

“By the way.” She interrupted him. “My real name is not Victoria. It’s _Sigyn_. You might wanna look it up. Midgardians wrote a few stories about Loki and I.”

.-

Next morning, Sigyn was in the cafeteria getting some tea. She knew she had to give Bucky some space after their conversation, it was a lot to digest. She also knew Bucky would be filling up Steve with all the details.  
It didn’t surprise her to see Steve speed walking towards her. She knew it was coming, and she let it happen anyway.

“You lied to us!” Steve growled, grabbing her neck and pushing Sigyn against the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be shorter. I don't know what happened D:  
> I'm blaming Bucky this time, though.  
> Why do my characters feel the need to just go off??


	10. And then the sea swept in and left us all speechless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LOTS of exposition, and slight depictions of torture.

_Loki, PLEASE, don’t make this worse!_

_If he doesn’t take his hand off you right now, I’m going to--_

_Going to what? You’re a universe away! You know I can take care of myself!_

_I can still scare him._

_I don’t need you to scare him. Please, just-- don’t do anything stupid._

Loki was less than pleased by his current situation. He could see Steve Rogers pinning Sigyn to the wall by her neck. He knew she could take care of it in a blink, but his instincts were to protect her. And knowing there was nothing he could do right now, except watch, he felt absolutely helpless and frustrated.

_If I’m ever back on Midgard, I’m going to kill him._

“You lied to us!” Steve repeated, tightening his grip on her neck.

Sigyn just stared at him. Little did he know she had already put a force field around her neck the moment she saw him barreling towards her.

“You know I can knock you unconscious, right?” She said. Steve looked at her confused, he was squeezing her windpipe tight, how did she not feel any effect?

“Steve! Let her go!” Bucky shouted, rushing to help her.

Sigyn didn’t wait for Bucky to get close, though. The last Steve saw where her eyes glowing golden. In a flash, she wasn’t there and Steve tripped forward. Another flash and Sigyn was behind him, a little push and he was face first on the wall.

“Ow!” Steve growled. “What--? Let me go!”

Sigyn’s hand was less than an inch away from Steve’s back. The was something pushing him to the wall, something he couldn’t overcome. Bucky just stood there in shock.

“Are you gonna calm down?” She said in a low tone.

Steve nodded stiffly. Sigyn let him go of the spell, and he gasped.

“Do me a favor and don’t attack me again. I hate teleporting. Makes me dizzy.” She said before he could even move. Bucky glared at Steve and got close to Sigyn.

“Are you alright?” He asked her, trying to look at her neck for any bruising. There was none.

“I’m fine.” She deadpanned and went to get her abandoned tea. Then she sat on a table and looked at both men.

Steve was breathing hard, still fuming. “You lied to us.” He said again. Sigyn rolled her eyes.

“I thought we went through that already.” She said, sipping her tea. “YES, I lied to you. I’ve been lying to a lot of people about that. But, would you have let me help if I’d told you the truth?”

Bucky and Steve shared a glance. She was right, Steve wouldn’t have let her anywhere near Bucky if he had known. She still helped him, them. Bucky was willing to overlook it, but Steve wasn’t inclined to do so.

“Are you seriously going to throw the whole team on me?” She said, interrupting their wordless moment. “I mean, I expected Sharon, but Wanda? Do you know the danger you’re putting her in?”

“How did you--” Steve was now borderline terrified. As on cue, Sharon entered the cafeteria followed by Wanda.

“Don’t even try, little witch, you might not like what you see.” Sigyn said, side-eyeing Wanda. No one said anything, as Wanda kept staring at her. “Fine, suit yourself.” Sigyn shrugged.

_Why are you letting the hag read you?_

_Wait for it._

Sigyn just stared at the table in front of her. It wasn’t long before Wanda started panting. Her eyes flooded with tears as she started sobbing uncontrollably. Everyone got a little nervous, but they were paralyzed. Wanda clutched her chest tight, as her sobs turned into an effort to keep breathing. She fell to the floor.

“What are you doing to her?!” Steve ran to Wanda’s side. “Stop that!”

“I am not doing anything. I told her to stay away from my head.” Sigyn said plainly.

“So much pain…” Wanda muttered, shaking her head.

“What did you see?” Steve asked Wanda, holding her close as he helped her up. Wanda didn’t answer, just looked at Sigyn.

“She saw my children being slaughtered.” Sigyn was the one to answer. “She saw my husband being tortured. She saw me being executed.”

“Wait, you had children?” Bucky asked. Sigyn just looked at him and nodded. “With that guy? How?”

She rolled her eyes. “Midgardians and Asgardians means of reproduction are basically the same.” Bucky‘s expression was right in between confused and disgusted.

“Did he slaughter your children?” Steve asked with more than a hint of malice.

“Of course you lot would think that!” Everyone turned to see Loki standing against the wall with a scowl on his face.

“How is this not making things worse, Loki?” Sigyn snapped. Bucky and Steve were ready to fight, while Wanda, still recovering from Sigyn’s memories, tried to blast Loki with magic, but the spell went right through and burned the wall. “It’s just an illusion! Sit the fuck down!”

“What a waste of a witch you are if you cannot tell the difference.” Loki snarled at Wanda.

“Loki, please, shut up and leave!”

“I am not leaving.” Loki said as his illusion made believe he was leaning on the wall. “I am going to be here, while you tell them everything.”

Sigyn swallowed hard. Bucky was the first to calm down, and sat in front of her. Steve just couldn’t be calm with Loki in the room, illusion or not. Sharon was the one to break the uncomfortable silence, sitting next to Sigyn.

“Bucky said your real name is Sigyn.” She nodded. “I read about you. How Loki tricked you into marrying him.” Sigyn smiled and Loki rolled his eyes. “And about-- your children.”

“Narfi and Vàli.” Sigyn said, smile dropping from her face. “They were the most beautiful boys in the universe. But--”

“They were murdered.” Loki said somberly.

“The myth says something about Baldr?” Sharon tried.

“His wife, Nanna. She thought Loki had killed Baldr.”

“Did he?” Steve said coldly, getting a more than a few hard glares.

“No, I didn’t.” Loki spat.

“But she wouldn’t listen. She--” Sigyn stopped, after all this time, the memories were still too painful.

“Nanna mind-controlled one of our sons to kill the other. When Vàli saw what he had done--”

“He killed himself.”

Sigyn couldn’t help the flow of emotions. It had been a long time since she had spoken about the death of her children. But it still hurt like the first day. It was a shadow that would never leave her heart. Illusions flashed around the room: two little kids chasing each other, a tiny wolf pup with white and golden fur, a raven haired boy hiding underneath the bed. A horse race, an archery contest. One boy studying, while the other threw balls of static at him.

_Sigyn…_

_I’m sorry._

She shook her head and the illusions were gone. “In retaliation, Loki killed her son. And he was tortured for it.” Sigyn kept going. Loki was silent.

“I read about the cave and the poison. Was that real?” Sharon asked. Sigyn nodded.

“What cave?” Bucky asked, Loki just glared at him.

“The cave where I was bound to the bedrock and drained of my magic while a serpent endlessly dripped poison on me, melting my flesh away.” Loki snarled. “Want to know what it felt like?”

Wanda shuddered visibly: that was one of the things she had felt in Sigyn’s mind. Steve noticed.

“You made Wanda see that?” Steve said.

“She was inside my head cause you asked her to, Rogers.” Sigyn looked at him with contempt. “But, really. Do you want to know what it felt like?” She repeated Loki’s words to him. “Want to see what Wanda saw? What it was that destroyed our family and our lives?” Sigyn stood up in front of Steve defiantly.

“What are you going to do? Torture me?”

“I don’t have to.” She looked at Loki, who nodded curtly.

Sigyn put a hand on Steve chest. Immediately, he doubled down in pain. His skin felt like molten lava slowly peeling off his body. He fought for breath, but the tiniest movements were ripping his ribcage open. He couldn’t see, as he was surrounded in darkness. He wanted to scream, but he had no air left to make any sound. He was drowning, and he was going to pass out any second now.

“Sigyn, stop!” Steve heard Bucky’s voice like a distant murmur. The pain slowly subsided, and he was able to breathe again. When the world came back to focus, he was kneeling on the floor, drenched in sweat.

“And that was a tiny glimpse of what Skadi’s snake venom will do to you.” Loki said.

“Remember how I told you my banishment was my sacrifice?” Sigyn said to Steve. “I offered my life to get Loki out of that cave. Odin accepted it. I was going to be executed.” She sat back on her spot.

“Frigga was the one to save her. They tricked Odin, and me, into thinking she was dead.”

“But instead I was banished here.”

“And I didn’t know she was alive until very recently.”

Everyone stayed silent for a moment. Steve was still breathing hard. Not only he could feel the physical pain of Loki’s punishment. He also felt the loss, the despair that made Sigyn sacrifice her own life to salvage the only thing she had left. Steve had lost his family too, and he knew it was a grief that would never go away. He slowly regained his composure.

 _I think it’s time for you to leave._ Sigyn looked at Loki. He looked back, rolling his eyes before disappearing.

“Well, that was the flash version of our story.” She said. “It doesn’t justify anything, but now at least you know a little more.”

Steve was still on edge, but he sat besides Bucky and stared at Sigyn.

“Still doesn’t explain why you helped us.” He said.

“You’re not going to find any reason other than you need my help, I provide it.” She explained. “I am a healer, Steve, by profession and by calling. It’s what I’ve been doing my whole life.”

“And she did.” Steve and Sigyn looked at Bucky. “Steve, she said she was going to help me and she delivered. Blaming her for whatever that- _Loki-_ did is like blaming me for what I did for Hydra.”

“Bucky is right, Steve.” Sharon agreed.

Steve looked at Wanda, silently asking for her opinion. “I have to agree with them. Everything I saw…” She sighed. “I can tell she’s not lying about this.”

Steve looked at everybody, feeling extremely uncomfortable. “Even if Loki was not in the picture, what happened today--”

“You’re scared of me. You’ve always been…” Sigyn said with a sigh. “Well, I already did what I set up to do.” She added, looking briefly at Bucky. “I’ll be leaving tomorrow.”

“What? No, you can’t leave!” Bucky said, visibly shaken.

“You don’t need me anymore, Bucky. I already fixed what I could fix. Everything else is on you.”

Bucky shook his head. “I do need you…” He said almost pleading, before turning to Steve. “I’m holding you responsible for that. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you.”

Bucky stood up, looking as if he wanted to say something, but couldn’t, and walked out. Steve groaned loudly.

“Your boyfriend, your problem.” Sharon said, making Wanda giggle. Steve just glared at them and followed Bucky.

Wanda sighed and sat on Bucky’s empty chair. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Yeah, me too…” Sigyn said. “But at least is all out now. I felt really bad lying to you all. Especially you, Sharon. You’ve been nothing but nice to me when you didn’t have to.”

“Being me, I do understand the value of secrecy.” Sharon said with a smile. “And you were right when you told Steve that he didn’t need to know. Look where it got us!”

“It was bound to come out at some point. And I knew he would react that way.” Sigyn looked at Wanda. “I’m sorry about what you saw, it was really mean of me to show you all that.”

“I blame Steve for it too.” Wanda said, crossing her arms on her chest. “He knows I’m still learning.”

Sigyn made her half empty cup disappear. “With proper training you could be very good. I know they have trained you in basic combat, but there’s so much more you can do.”

“Could you train me?”

“If you’re ever allowed back in New York…” Sigyn smiled.

The three women kept silent for a while. Out of the blue, Sharon chuckled.

“I’m sorry.” She said shaking her head. “I was just thinking about how adorable you were finishing each other’s sentences!”

Sigyn laughed loudly. “We basically live inside each other’s head.”

“Could you tell us more?” Wanda said. “Not the bad side, though, it was enough for one day.”

“It’s a really long story.” Sigyn warned, but still giggled at the eager look on their faces. “You guys are ridiculous, but fine.”

_I hope you tell them all the good stuff about me._

_I’ll think about it._

_Come on! I wasn’t so bad, was I?_

_Only sometimes._

_But you still loved me._

_I still love you, you idiot._


	11. The air was full of various storms and saints

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DO hope Steve felt called out xD

Sigyn was in the park again, purposefully keeping away from Bucky. She was starting to regret her rushed decision to leave the next day, but it was probably for the best. Her life had been literally turned on its head.

_If you keep thinking about him, I will block you._

_Then block me._

Sigyn clenched her jaw, her mind swarmed with curses in ancient languages. Though it wasn’t like she expected Loki to be of any help. She shook her head and summoned a book, if only to keep Loki entertained with something else. He wasn’t blocking her and they both knew that.  
But, as usual, her calm was short lived.

“What do you want, Steve?” She said, not even lifting her head from her book.

“I came to apologize.” He said, standing rigidly in front of her.

“If only that apology was sincere enough.” Sigyn looked at him, he just looked back uncomfortably. “You came cause Bucky asked you. He thinks that if you apologize I will stay. But you don’t want to apologize and you don’t want me to stay.” With a flourish of her hand the book disappeared. “I told you on the first day we met we didn’t have to be friends. That included not telling you anything you didn’t need to know.”

“That’s still lying.”

“Indeed.” She conceded. “Sit down, Steve.”

“Why? You already had a conversation with my head.” He said, ticked off by her mind reading.

“Amuse me.”

Begrudgingly, he did. “Okay, I’m sitting.”

“I’m gonna show you something.” Sigyn reached for Steve’s hand, he recoiled a bit, not wanting another flashback like the one he had in the cafeteria. “I promise no pain this time.”

Steve took her hand, if still a bit wary. But she held up her promise. No pain this time. Images flowed in front of him. He was in a garden, a teenage girl had climbed up a tree. She was making little rocks levitate, and dropping them to the small pool. She was working on a particularly big one when a commotion could be heard approaching. The rock dropped and Steve could see she climbed even higher, where she would be shielded from view. One boy came running, he was panting, and nearly fell head first into the water, but stopped right at the last moment. His face was red, but he was still smiling. Two other boys and one another girl closed in on him, demanding an apology for turning the girl’s braids into snakes.

_Wait, he looks familiar. That’s Thor?_

_Yes._

_So that’s Loki._

_Also yes._

Steve couldn’t hear what they were saying, but he could see Thor hold Loki at sword’s point. Loki just smirked. If he was worried about the closeness of the water he didn’t let on. He stumbled back, but instead of falling into the water, it looked like he was walking on it. Thor, the boy and the girl started to shout at Loki all kind of offensive words. He just walked back a few more steps, taunting Thor to come get him. He stepped on the water just for his foot to go right through, effectively losing his balance and falling on his butt. Loki nearly had a fit. The other boy pulled Thor off the water and dragged him away, dripping wet and sputtering more curses.  
When they left, Loki walked back to dry land and the girl on top of the tree jumped down.

_That’s you. It was your trick._

Loki kissed Sigyn’s hand, she just rolled her eyes. He then swirled her around and threw her on his shoulder. Steve couldn’t help the chuckle.

_You were ridiculous._

_We were teenagers._

The scene changed. Steve was inside a library. Not far from him, Loki and Sigyn were under a table, making out. A loud bang interrupted them and they burst out laughing.  
Another change, and the scenes started swirling around like a fast forward film. Kisses under the rain. Cuddles by the fire. Loki holding two newborns in his arms, gazing lovingly at Sigyn fast asleep on the bed. Steve smiled despite himself. They were a normal, happy family.  
It was absolutely bizarre to see Loki playing with his kids.

_You see? That’s the Loki I know._

The scene changed again. This time it was darker, they were older. They had lost their sons. Steve could feel the sorrow again, that deep sadness inside of her, and how that pain could literally destroy you. Now, Loki was tied to a rock, a bowl was floating over his head. Steve flinched: he knew that pain already. And he knew how Sigyn had saved him.

_Once one of our teachers told me I would be his salvation. She wasn’t wrong. Even if it means saving him from himself once in a while._

Steve understood that feeling all too well. Sigyn let go of his hand and the illusion disappeared.

“You really love him.” He said softly.

“I do. And I’m not giving up on him any sooner than you’re giving up on Bucky.”

“But you still can’t justify genocide--”

“I’m not trying to.” She said. “History is written by the winning side. Odin has done worse, yet he named himself All-father and gets shrines and temples built in his name. Or pick a religion. Political systems sworn to lead all those who profess some faith by example, by abiding to their writings, to what they believe is morally right, putting themselves on pedestals, more righteous than the next. I’ve seen those churches burn other churches, torture people, slaughter entire civilizations. I’ve seen soldiers ripped away from their peaceful homes, forced to fight for their kings, their gods, their made-up idols, their political leaders.”

As Sigyn spoke, Steve saw himself inserted in an institution designed to keep the peace, still rotten to the core. Maybe he wasn’t better than that either. He had also lied to protect those he loved: he had lied to Tony about his parents, he went rogue, he allowed people to die just to protect Bucky. It made him wonder how far he’d go, how blind he could become to everything else if, in his head, his cause was justified.

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Sigyn sing-sang. “Including yours.”

Their conversation had dragged long enough for the sun to be setting, giving way to a warm wind. Sigyn stood up.

“And what are your intentions?” Steve asked.

“I just want to be happy again.” She simply said. “Don’t you?” She added with a smirk before she walked away.

.-

Urgents knocks on the door startled Sigyn awake from her slumber. She was _almost_ asleep. But not anymore. With a heavy sigh, she went to get the door, knowing full well who was outside already.

“What are you doing here?”

Her plain tone made Bucky shiver. “I--”

“Go back to bed, it’s late.”

“I can’t-- I can’t sleep.” Bucky said. “Please, don’t-”

Sigyn sighed, and opened the door. “Come in.”

Bucky didn’t say anything. He felt extremely awkward, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He had a whole speech in his head, a well worded and prepared speech to make his case. To convince her to stay. But it vanished as soon as he got to her room. He didn’t know what to say.

“Can you- can you read my mind?” He asked, looking at the floor. “I don’t--”

Sigyn shook her head and took his hand. Immediately he felt a sense of relief, and he allowed her to lead him to the bed.

“You’re going to get me in trouble.” She mumbled, lying down. Bucky resisted a bit at first, but he still laid between her legs and snuggled up to her lap like a little boy would cuddle his mother.

_Care to explain this?_

_What is there to explain?_

_He’s stealing my spot!_

_Really??_

Sigyn shrugged Loki off. She put her hand on the back of Bucky’s neck. A golden glow illuminated the room. Bucky felt a warm sensation spreading through his body, relaxing his muscles. It made him sleepy, but he didn’t wanna sleep just yet.

“Please don’t leave.” He whispered softly.

“I can’t be your therapist, Buck.”

“I don’t want you to be my therapist. I want you _here_.” He said looking at her. “I- there’s nothing else about it, I promise-- I know!” He pressed on the word, even if it was just to convince himself there was nothing more. “I just feel safer with you here.” He stared at her hopefully.

Sigyn sighed. “Fine. I’ll stay.”

She didn’t know exactly why she was giving in to his plea. All she knew was that Bucky needed her, and she couldn’t say no to that. Bucky smiled and took a deep happy breath, snuggling further into her lap.

“Tell me stories.” He said. “About your children.”

“Why would you wanna hear those?” She said, amused but his peculiar request.

“You’ve lived inside my head for months, you know basically everything about me. I’d like to now about you too.”

“Makes sense.”

With her hand still on the back of his neck, Sigyn started to tell him stories about her life in Asgard, adding a few images here and there. It had a fairy tale effect on Bucky, who was slowly dozing off.

She, on the other hand, couldn’t be further from calm, at least on the inside. After the initial protests that she decided to ignore, Loki had fallen awfully quiet inside her head. She knew that silence: He was blocking her. Or trying, cause she could still feel his rage and his jealousy. And she knew, he was on the verge of doing something incredibly stupid.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *brb, listing all the ways in which Loki can be an idiot*


	12. The guillotine hums, my back's to the wall, go on, let it fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst.

He wasn’t the type to spend his time drinking.  
He had always disliked when Thor and his friends would down barrels upon barrels of mead just to end up in a pathetic and pitiful state where they couldn't even stand up properly.  
He wasn’t the type to lose control of his senses either, but the alcohol and the jealousy sent him quickly into that path.

_Loki?_

_Go away._

Sigyn woke up feeling dizzy and sort of disoriented. She sat on the bed, noticing Bucky curled up by her side. Suddenly, she felt like throwing up.

_Are you drunk?_

_You’re in bed with him!_

“Oh, norns.” She mumbled to herself, making way to the bathroom.

A rush of nausea made her stumble, and then something else. Another rush. This was warmer, more familiar. She knew that feeling very well. Surely he wasn’t-- Her heart started pounding in her chest, a cold wave made her shiver. Sigyn closed her eyes, still reluctant to find out the source of his- _arousal?_ But she had to know, even if she started to regret it the second her projection went to him.

Loki was kissing her furiously against the wall, his hands were possessive against her thighs. He wanted to leave marks and he would. Similar to those already littering her neck. They weren’t naked yet, but if allowed a few more minutes, they probably would, judging by her skirt all pulled up to her waist.

Sigyn felt her heart crack right through the middle. And Loki felt it too. He stopped his actions. As soon as he let go of the girl he was holding, the illusion that made her look just like Sigyn disappeared.  
The girl looked at Sigyn confused, Loki didn’t even want to turn around.

“Go.” Loki muttered. The girl looked at him, but quickly composed herself, fixed her clothes and left, leaving Loki and Sigyn’s projection alone on the corridor.

Loki turned around slowly, fixing his own clothes in the process.

None of them had to say anything. Overemotional states sent information flowing like tsunamis through their bond.

She just stared at him, eyes flooded with tears, mouth half open as if part of her was refusing to believe what she saw. But it wasn’t what she saw, it was what she _felt:_ Loki didn’t trust her.  
He only had seen Bucky in bed with her and he had imagined all sort of scenarios, one more elaborated than the other. It had gone so over his head, that he had gone and gotten himself intoxicated. He had glamoured a girl to look like her, and Sigyn was sure the poor creature had no idea.

“You should apologize to her once you’ve sobered up.” Sign said before vanishing.

Loki turned around and slammed his fist on the wall, cracks blossoming and expanding like webs. He had done the one thing he had promised he’d never do: hurt her. He had felt her heart breaking, just like the wall in front of him.

Back on Earth, Sigyn was curled up on the bathroom floor crying as quietly as she could manage, for Bucky was still sleeping on her bed. Or so she thought.

“Vic- sorry- Sigyn?” Bucky knocked softly on the door.

Sigyn wiped the tears from her face, but didn’t dare speak. Bucky opened the door slowly, but took only one look at her and rushed to her side.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” He asked, wrapping his arm around her. She just shook her head. “Is it--”

“Get away from her.” Loki snarled.

Bucky stood up. “Is this your doing?” Loki didn’t answer, but something in his expression ticked Bucky off. “You miserable--”

Sigyn took hold of Bucky’s leg and stopped him.

“What are you gonna do, little broken toy? Flail your hands on my face? Oh, sorry, _hand_.” Loki said viciously.

“It’s just an illusion, Bucky.” Sigyn said, her voice broken and raspy.

Bucky then did what he thought would infuriate Loki the most. He sat on the floor again by Sigyn’s side and hugged her. “Can you make him go away?”

Loki just stared at them. Sigyn could feel his panic, even if his illusion didn’t show it.

“Could you give us a moment?” She asked softly.

Bucky didn’t want to, but her hand squeezing his was reassuring enough. He couldn’t help kissing her head before getting up, just to annoy Loki a little further. He felt a bit of satisfaction at seeing the blatant glare Loki gave him.  
After Bucky exited the bathroom, Sigyn put a spell on the door to prevent him from eavesdropping.

“If you have anything to say, say it quick, cause I’m blocking you.” She said, still on the floor.

“I--” Loki clenched his jaw. “You- you were-” He didn’t know exactly how to phrase what he wanted to say. Again, his projection didn’t show it, but Sigyn could _see_ him grabbing his head in frustration. “I lost it, okay?!” He finally snapped. “I saw you in bed with him, and I just _lost_ it!”

“And fucking someone else is a great way to deal with that!” Sigyn stood up in front of him. “Why make me see it? You wanted me to see it, you wanted me to know what you were doing!”

“I just wanted to make you feel what I felt.” Loki said. “How I feel every time you can’t stop thinking about him, how it feels every time you defend him! You should be here with me! But you chose to go back to him--”

“You don’t get to throw anything at my face, Loki!” Sigyn couldn’t stop the tears from coming back. “You know you did it to get back at me for something you’ve imagined! You’ve seen enough, you’ve seen _everything!_ ” She shouted at him. “I’ve never hidden anything from you and you know it!”

Loki didn’t say anything. He knew she was right, but pride wouldn’t let him admit it. Sigyn leaned on the wall, silent tears rolling down her face, and he just wanted to hug her _so bad_.

“How could you even think that I would--” She took a deep breath, wiping the tears off her face. “Leave.”

“Sigyn, I…”

“Leave! I don’t wanna be looking at you right now.”

He didn’t listen. Instead, he stood close of her, reaching out for her chest. She waived her hand, going through his projection, but he didn’t let it disappear just yet. His hand shimmered against her, whatever he couldn’t say, he tried to let her know. But, to his disadvantage, his emotions were so all over the place that he couldn’t exactly control the stormy surge of feelings he tried to convey. Sigyn could read beyond the apologies, she could see the resentment, that he felt cheated, abandoned. She could see the distrust: images of her and Bucky floated inside her head, everything Loki had made up and imagined, everything he had created to justify his actions. It hurt.

“You’re not doing yourself any help with that.” She said, and Loki felt a small electric shock that broke the connection. “I told you you’d have to decide whether you wanted to trust me again or not. I think you’ve made your choice quite clear.”

“Sigyn…” His voice barely above a whisper, he tried to reach for her. “Please, don’t… please, tell me how to fix it.”

“You’re the trickster.” She said. “I’ll let you figure out that trick for yourself.”

Sigyn extended her hand, as if she were to touch his forehead. Loki’s projection dissolved slowly, and he couldn’t fight it. He slumped to the floor of his bedroom, emptiness growing inside of him, sipping through every place her presence should be.

The silence was painful. Even more than what she had seen earlier. It had nearly killed her to block him the first time, it wasn’t any better now.

Sigyn buried her head between her arms, and cried. For Loki, for herself, for hoping they could go back to things as they were. She cried for all the times she hadn’t allowed herself to cry since they first met each other in Asgard.  
Maybe it had been stupid to hold hope. Loki had changed and she could see it, maybe it was too late to change him back.

If this was something she couldn’t fix, maybe it was time she let Loki go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all allowed to yell at me!


	13. And now I'm reaching out with every note I sing

Sigyn woke up with a start. A cold feeling in her gut and a soft tingle on the back of her head alerted her that she wasn’t alone. Whatever presence she felt was now gone, though. She turned on the side and saw a small business card. Written on it, there was an address and a rune.

_Bacraut!!_

_Oh, dear! You haven’t used that word since the dark ages! Did I piss you off??_

_You think?_

_I’ll take as a victory that you’ve stopped blocking me._

_How long has it been for you?_

_4 days. You?_

Sigyn didn’t answer. It hadn’t been 24 hours yet for her, and it was the middle of the night! She buried her head on the pillow and tried to go back to sleep, rather unsuccessfully.

_I don’t have energy for this shit._

_Go back to sleep, love._

_Shut up, Loki!_

First thing Sigyn did in the morning was to call Sharon and tell her she needed to fly to London ASAP on an emergency. Sharon didn’t ask many question, for which Sigyn was grateful. Bucky on the other hand, wasn’t as agreeable.

“You said you weren’t leaving!”

“I am not.”

“Yes, you are!”

“I’ll come back.”

“Why are you leaving, then?”

“I have to.”

“Why?”

“Bucky, I am going to physically hurt you and I don’t want to.” She glared at him. Bucky just realized he was holding her against the wall. He slowly released her from his grip. “I just have to.” He looked at her, dejected. Sigyn didn’t say anything else.

 

The flight was long and unpleasant, but she was happy to be back in London. It had been her home for over a century. It didn’t matter that it had changed greatly over time, or that she had to leave for long periods of time every once in a while, it still felt close and familiar.  
After freshening up and changing clothes, she went to her usual tea spot, ordered an ice tea and a croissant, and waited.

“Sigyn Iwaldisdottir.”

“Dr. Stephen Strange.” She said, not even looking up from her croissant. “It’s been a long time since someone used my full name. Am I in trouble?”

“You tell me.” He said sitting in front of her. Only then she looked at him. “You’ve been hiding from us for a long time.”

“Not all of you. The Ancient One knew, she found me years ago.” She sipped her ice tea. “But she agreed to keep the secret. I wasn’t supposed to be found.”

“You are supposed to be dead.” He started and she nodded.

“Alas, I am not dead and the knowledge of my presence on Earth has expanded dramatically.” Sigyn bit on her croissant.

Strange smirked. “I can assure you it was the most unexpected of events when he showed up at the Sanctum.” Sigyn had to roll her eyes.

“I’m sure it was quite unexpected to have my husband contacting you from the edge of the universe, just for you to get him a date.” She said. “What did he offer you?”

“Information, amongst other things.” Strange said, crossing his hand on the table. “He must have been quite desperate to offer that kind of gift just for me to- ah… _get him a date_.”

 _Sigyn, please._ She heard in her head, but didn’t answer.

“I doubt you’d bring him to Earth just for information.” She said, almost smirking at Strange’s confused face. “Besides, _I am_ the information, so…”

“He did offer something really valuable, but, he’s only delivering if I convince you to come with me.”

“He’s locked at the sanctum, I assume? Smart. It will take him probably an hour to break through the magic locks. Maybe less, he’s crafty.” Sigyn bit the last of her croissant. “How long do you have left?” She smiled.

If Stephen was nervous, he didn’t show. Sigyn calmly finished her tea, just watching Stephen slowly lose his patience.

“I’m guessing your deal is: I babysit him for as long as this date goes, and you keep my secret? Leave me alone?” She finally said.

“And I don’t send you off Earth.”

“You wish.” She rolled her eyes.

“Or we could help one another.”

“What help could you get from me? You already know what’s coming. And he’s coming for you… For that thing around your neck to be more specific.” Stephen stiffened a bit. “C’mon, Strange. Any magic wielding being can sense those things from miles. Agamotto did a great job building a pendant to conceal it as well as use it, but seidr will always find a way.”

“See? That’s what I meant by help one another. You possess abilities that we don’t. You could teach us.” Strange expression seemed to soften.

“You’re talking about my healing magic.” She realized. “That’s the price. You need a healer on the team.”

“We do. Besides, you know whoever is coming won’t be coming just for me. Hence the help one another.”

Sigyn Loki’s fear. She had seen him being tortured by Thanos, she had shared his pain, and she had managed to hold it back. But this wasn’t just about Loki. It was about what Thanos would do to _all_ of them.

“So, I join your avengers team, keep tabs on my husband and teach you whatever you can grasp of healing magic. Is that my end of the deal?”

“In exchange for not exposing you and letting you stay on Earth. I’ll even let Loki stay if he delivers what he has promised.”

“The tesseract.” Sigyn watched Strange’s face grow uncomfortable, probably wondering how much she actually knew. He nodded anyway.

Taking a deep breath, she mulled over her situation. If Loki managed to give them the Tesseract, Thanos would be everyone’s problem, and she could count on them to fight the titan. And if Loki was allowed to stay…  
Then there was the side of her who had been crying since she saw Loki tangled with another woman and wanted to curse the living Hel out of him.

Sigyn stood up, Strange followed her lead. She took a deep breath. “I’m guessing the sanctum is still on the same spot.” Strange smiled as they walked outside the shop. “No teleportation, it makes me dizzy.”

Strange looked at her startled. “How--”

“We all have our tricks.” She simply stated. “Now, I really like going around in trains. So I’m taking the tube. You’re free to teleport, though you’re not impressing anyone.”

Strange decided to go with her, even when he was growing more and more anxious by the minute. Loki could break out of the magic locks, he’d be on the loose, free to do-

“To do what?” She suddenly spoke. “He’s there because of me. He ain’t leaving, he knows I’m coming.”

Strange rubbed his forehead. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.”

“No backsies.” Sigyn sang.

The rest of the trip they spent in silence, until they reached the London sanctum. Sigyn had been there before, a long time ago. The Ancient One provided shelter for her after a run with some inquisitors. Nothing had changed much. The tall stairs were still there, glowing with the sunlight filtering through dirty windows. The books, the relics, the ever changing doorways…

Then, she saw him, a few feet away from her. None of them moved. Not even Stephen Strange wanted to move. Loki and Sigyn stared at each other wordlessly.  
Standing in front of him she wasn’t sure she wanted to kick his crotch or fling herself into his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANNOUNCEMENT: I'm leaving on holidays for the next two and a half weeks.  
> I am so sorry that there won't be any updates during that time (mostly cause I'm not sure how often I will have internet access on my computer)


	14. Something broke in me and I wanted to go home.

_How could you do this to me?_

_I’m sorry._

_That’s not enough._

_I cannot possibly put into words how sorry I am._

_Try._

_I’m sorry for what you saw. I’m sorry that I got so jealous and blind. You didn’t deserve it. You’ve been nothing but the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m sorry that I hurt you._

_You could’ve saved yourself, and me, a lot of trouble if you had just trusted me. I have no secrets, you have access to everything._

_I did, and I’m sorry I didn’t trust what I was seeing. My jealousy got the best of me. I just didn’t want to trust my own head. I knew in my heart that you wouldn’t do that. But it was too good to be true._

_And then you had to go and make it all worse…_

_I’m sorry that I exposed you, but I was desperate. I didn’t know what else to do. I needed to get your attention. I needed you here._

_Loki…_

_I screwed up. I broke your heart and that caused me more pain than all the tortures I’ve endured. Just- look at me! You know I’m the one to talk._

_We’re not talking, per se._

_You know what I mean._

Strange watched them stare at each other, completely oblivious to the conversation inside their heads.

“Are we going to stay here in silence?” Strange said.

“What makes you think we’re in silence?” Sigyn retorted with a smirk. Strange looked at them confused and intrigued.

“You can read minds?” He asked them both.

“I can.” She admitted.

“Yeah, I suspected that much after the train ride.” He muttered. “Does he?”

“I just allow Loki to read mine when I feel like it.” Sigyn added. Loki smirked knowingly.

_How do we get rid of him?_

_Bargaining. No murder!!_

“Now I’m regretting even more to have agreed to this.” Strange said, rubbing his temples.

“If you must know, he was apologizing.” She said. “And now we really could use some privacy. So, you either leave this room, get us one, or we go to my apartment.”

“No! You’re not leaving the Sanctum.”

Loki groaned loudly. “Well, my wife and I need privacy. Do you have any suitable chambers in this--” Loki looked around disapprovingly. “-- _cottage_?”

Both Loki and Sigyn just looked at Stephen.

“This was a terrible idea.” Strange muttered. “How do I know you both will hold up to your end of the deal?”

“You don’t, that’s the fun part.” Sigyn said with a wink. “But, if we must, I will be staying here on Midgard as a token.”

“Staying on Earth is want you want.” Strange said.

“Yet is not what _I_ want. If you bind her here, I will have to come back.” Loki was less than pleased with that option, but it was common ground. “And I will bring you the stone.”

Strange looked back and forth between them, assessing the situation. He was sure they could overpower them any minute, but they hadn’t.

“I try to avoid murder if I can help it.” Sigyn said.

“Stop reading my mind, it freaks me out.” Strange looked at Sigyn and sighed, looking almost defeated. “But I am inclined to trust you.”

“Thanks.” Loki said with a chuckle.

“Not you!” Strange spat. “Her!”

“Clearly.” Loki chucked again.

Strange glared at Loki for several seconds before looking at Sigyn again. “How on everything that is sacred did you end up married to this guy?”

Loki rolled his eyes, exasperated.

“That’s a cool story for another time.” Sigyn said, sensing Loki’s upcoming outburst. “Now, bind me to Earth so Loki and I can have a moment.”

“Or a few hours.” Loki added.

Strange shivered at the clear innuendo. “Hand.” He said, reaching for Sigyn. She put her left hand on his and watched the golden circlets go from his wrist to hers. The spell worked without resistance, making a very skeptical Stephen even more confused.

Begrudgingly, he led the couple upstairs to a small room on one of the upper floors, and magically locked them in.

Once again, Loki and Sigyn stared at each other.

“Sigyn…”

“Say it.”

Loki just swallowed hard.

“I know, and I’ve felt it. I’ve seen all your apologies, and I am willing to accept them. But I need to hear you say it.” She insisted.

Loki took a deep breath. “I’ve spent so much time on my own, not trusting anyone… trying to-- stop feeling-- since you--”

Sigyn stared at him, waiting for him to continue.

“I thought I didn’t want to feel anything else, ever again. But you-- It’s terrifying. I don’t know what to do with it.” Loki started playing with his fingers in a nervous habit. “My bad choices affecting me doesn’t matter, but you--”

“You’re stalling.” She said with a little smile.

“I love you.” He stated with a shaky voice.

Sigyn breathed out. “Say it again.”

“I love you.”

“Again.”

“I love you.” After that, it became so much easier to keep saying it. “I love you so much.”

He repeated it over and over again as he walked over to her and started kissing, mumbling more ‘I love you’s against her lips. Soon, they were a tangle of limbs and wandering hands against the wall. Fighting for breath as they couldn’t get enough of each other. Sigyn tangled her fingers in his hair, pulling slightly. It made him push against her as the kisses got heated and deeper. Loki’s mouth trailed down Sigyn’s neck, while his hands snuck under her shirt.

“Stupid midgardian clothes…” He growled when his hand met her bra.

“Says the one wrapped in leather.”

Sigyn pushed him back and smiled, making their clothes disappear in a flash of gold.

“Loki…” She said softly, touching the edges of the scar on the left side of his abdomen.

He didn’t say anything, Sigyn had already seen what had happened on Svartalfheim. Instead, he took her hand and laced his fingers with hers.  
Loki stepped back slightly and stared at her in awe. He took in her naked body slowly, eyes focusing on every patch of skin, every curve and every crevice, every dip and freckle. His gaze was so intense that Sigyn started panting, knowing exactly what he was thinking. His eyes dragged down her shoulders to her breasts, to the curve of her hips. He smiled, and ran his thumb over her hip bone, drawing a sharp gasp out of her.

He looked into her eyes. “You’re as beautiful as the day I lost you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a phrase on this chapter that I've been wanting to use since I started thinking how I was going to put them on the same planet. See if you can find it and tell me where is it originally from?? xD


	15. I never thought that I'd be facing a sea that's bluer than the tide

Somewhere in the back of their minds, Loki and Sigyn knew Strange had given them some time limit. But time didn’t matter while they were tangled into each other. At least Strange had stopped eavesdropping on them after round one. Sigyn nearly had a giggle fit while imagining his reaction to realizing he had made a big mistake, especially after Loki decided they should put on a show.  
Still, there weren’t words to be heard. Whatever conversation they could have it inside their heads, if they wanted. With 300 years to make up for, they weren’t exactly thinking straight.

Sigyn rolled to her back, trying to catch her breath, while Loki snuggled on her shoulder by her side.

“Tell me this wasn’t a dream.” He said hoarsely.

“It wasn’t.” She answered with a smile. “It was very real and very awesome.”

Loki propped himself on his elbow and looked at her. Sigyn returned the stare a little worried, sensing his troubles. His fears for Asgard, for Hela, for Thor… _Thanos_.

“We’ll get through it.”

“How can you be so sure?” He asked. His hand lazily drawing patterns on her belly.

“I have to believe it.” She said, stroking the edge of his face. “After all we’ve been through, I have to believe we deserve to be happy.”

“It might not be that simple.”

“It won’t, but we will find a way.” Sigyn bit her lip. “I know you don’t want to leave, but you have to. Go back to Sakaar, wait for Thor and go back to Asgard. Right now, getting that stone here before Thanos finds you is the best chance we have.”

“How do you know Thor will be there?”

She shrugged. “Just a hunch.” Loki knew to trust her intuition. “Whatever happens from now on, we will get through it, together. As we’re meant to be.” Sigyn took Loki’s hand and placed it her lower belly. “And after that-- we could even try again…” She added, with a little smile.

“No.” Loki said sternly, trying to get his hand back. Sigyn didn’t let him. “We got lucky last time. This time--”

“ _I know_ and I don’t care.” She reassured him, squeezing his hand.

Loki looked terrified. “ _You know?_ ” He started struggling to get free from her grasp, but Sigyn straddled him and pinned his hands to the bed until he stopped wiggling. “How?”

Sigyn sat on his lap and placed her hand on his chest. Loki closed his eyes.

He was in Odin and Frigga’s chambers. Sigyn was there too. He correctly guessed this was when she left him on the cave. He could see the scars on her hands and her torn clothes. It made him flinch to remember everything that had happened before that.

_Frigga took Sigyn’s hands “That’s snake poison.” She muttered._

_Loki watched Frigga mouth a spell that revealed Sigyn’s bond on her wrist._

_“How? When? How did you convince him?” Frigga said, absolutely confused._

_Sigyn rolled her eyes. “It was_ his _idea, and we got bound right after we got married.” She said, snatching her hand back from the queen’s grasp. “But of course that’s how low you’d think of him. He’s not even your son, is he?”_

_Loki didn’t notice how Odin shifted uncomfortably on his chair. He was staring at the Sigyn from the memory blankly. “What makes you say that?”_

_Sigyn displayed her glowing wrist to the king. “We’re bound. I can feel the glamouring spell inside of him.”_

_“Does he know?” Frigga muttered, while tears filled her eyes. Loki looked at his mother sadly._

_“No… I just noticed cause he’s been nearly depleted of his magic.”_

_“And we’ll all keep it that way.” Odin said menacingly._

_Loki watched Sigyn scowl angrily at Odin. “So many things are clear right now. Why you have always favored Thor, why you didn’t do anything when Nanna killed our sons, why you chose to punish him like this… Is he even an asgardian?”_

_“No, he’s not.” To Sigyn’s, and Loki’s, surprise, this time Frigga was the one talking._

_“Silence, woman!” Odin warned, but Frigga chose to ignore him._

_“For the Norns’ sake, Odin! We chose to adopt him after you found him in Jötunheim! We chose to raise him, and for what?” Frigga said, her voice was quivering. “To give him a life? A family? To be one of us for as long as you deemed necessary and then take it all away?”_

_“Jötunheim? He’s a frost giant?” Sigyn asked. Loki gulped hard._

_“Yes.” Frigga said, while still staring at the king. “Bring my son back home.”_

_“He’s not your son!”_

_“I choose for him to be my son, then!”_

_Loki looked at his mother. He tried to reach for her, but this was still just a memory. She had tried to save him. She had secured Sigyn’s life. She had prevented Odin from killing him more than once. Yes, Frigga at least had been a mother to him. And, oh, how he missed her!_

_“If it’s a life you want, then take mine and end our misery.” Sigyn said, and Loki turned to watch her in horror: she was ready to sacrifice herself for him._

_“Are you offering your life to save his?”_

_“If that is punishment enough for you, then yes.” She stood very still, her whole body was shaking. Loki could see her effort to conceal it from Odin._

_“You’d still give your life for him, after knowing his true heritage? Why?”_

_Loki rolled his eyes. Odin was still Odin._

_“Because I love him.”_

Loki watched the scene before him disappear and opened his eyes slowly.

“Why didn’t you--” He stopped. Sigyn was smiling at him with a hint of amusement in her eyes, and he realized: He had turned blue.

“You look breathtakingly beautiful.” She whispered, tracing the markings on his neck and shoulders.

Loki gulped hard. “I am not-- I’m--”

“Loki, you’re a shapeshifter. You could be any form you wanted. This is just one of them.” She said. “Man, woman, snake, horse, cat, _and_ blue. You are you. You’re my husband.” She leaned in slowly and kissed him to which he responded somewhat hesitantly.

“Why am I not giving you frostbite?”

“I am a healer, I can block part of it.” She shrugged. “Besides, you don’t want to hurt me.”

“Huh, I never realized I could control it.”

“You are cold, though.” She said, shivering a but. “But I think I can handle it.”

Sigyn leaned in again, kissing him a little harder this time. Her hands running down his chest felt warm against his coolness. Loki’s confidence was boosted the second she reached down between their bodies. In a flash, he turned them over and hovered over her. His red eyes and the marking on his skin made him look feral. Even more so with the predatory look he was giving her.

“You’re not afraid of _this_ ?” He nearly growled. “I was born a _monster._ ”

“Told you. _This_ is still you. And I’m not afraid of you. _You’re my Loki._ ”

There was such sincerity and love in her eyes, that Loki felt overwhelmed. Sigyn pulled him in for a hungry kiss, as if to show whatever she couldn’t say. Arms and legs around him, Sigyn traced every bit of skin she could reach, amazed by the etched designs. The coarseness of his cool skin against hers made her whimper. His sudden roughness made everything more enjoyable.

_I love you so much!_

Soon enough they were hurling together toward their release and Loki collapsed on top of her as his skin turned back to his regular pale color. Sigyn watched almost in awe how his eyes turned from red to blue.  
Loki propped himself on his hands and looked at her, a bit worried about all the bruises and ice burns. Sigyn just smiled, and made the marks glow gold as they healed and disappeared. Loki then touched the bite mark on her shoulder.

“Could you-- keep that one? For me.” He said with a smirk.

“That’s just showing off.” Sigyn giggled, but complied to his request.

She hugged him to her chest, where he could hear her heart slow down in tune with his. They enjoyed their closeness for another while, until Loki heard her heart skip a beat.

“Time’s up.” She said dejectedly. Loki hovered over her and kissed her deeply.

_You know he’s coming._

_I don’t care._

“I hope you’re wearing-- for fuck’s sake!” Stephen Strange barged into the room and regretted it half a second later. “I know you did it on purpose.” He added, looking away from the couple on the bed. “Also, I don’t remember this room having a bed.”

“Perks of being a sorceress.” Sigyn said, willing her clothes on. Loki rolled his eyes before following her example. Both left the bed.

“Please, just get rid of it.”

Sigyn bowed mockingly and made the bed disappear in a golden flash. Stephen led them back down stairs where an orange portal was swirling, ready to send Loki back to Sakaar.

“Please, be safe, my love.” Sigyn said, pulling Loki close. “And come back to me.”

Loki side-eyed Stephen. “I promise.” He said, kissing the top of her head. “Just keep away from that kid.”

Sigyn rolled her eyes at his smirk. Reluctantly, they let go of each other and Stephen ushered Loki through the portal. They did nothing but stare while the portal vanished. She let out a long sigh.

“While you were- um- _catching up_ …” Stephen said with a wince. “I read a bit about you two.”

“Midgardians have big imaginations when trying to explain what they don’t understand.” Sigyn said. “Some of it is true. Some of it isn’t. Some of it is a bit different.”

Stephen just looked at her, not sure if he actually wanted to know.

“What? Do you expect me to summon some tea and cookies and blurt out 1000 years of story?” She said, looking at him rather amused.

“I can summon the tea and the cookies.” He smirked. “Maybe even some ale.”

She laughed. “Not this time. I need to go back. I will contact you for my end of the deal, as I need to make some arrangements first.” Sigyn summoned the keys to her assigned room in Wakanda and took Stephen’s wrist. “Portal, please.”

“But I don’t know--”

“I do.” She said, jiggling the keys in her hand. “Just summon it, I’ll tell it where to go.”

Stephen did as told and a portal back to Wakanda was summoned. She looked at the dancing light for a moment before stepping in.

“Sigyn.” Stephen called, and she turned. “I just need to know about the one with the horse?”

“Fuck you, Strange!” She said, snapping her fingers to make the portal disappear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit/extended version of chs 14 and 15 posted [HERE](https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/14720648)


	16. What kind of man?

“Are you really giving me the silent treatment?” Sigyn asked, sitting across Bucky on the cafeteria and summoning a tea.

Bucky looked at her and huffed. “You left me.”

Sigyn sighed. “I’m sorry… It was an emergency.”

“Uh huh.” He said with a nod.

“Don’t give me that look, Bucky! Two days ago I was leaving for good, and I stayed because you asked me to!” She said. “And I got into quite a situation because of it.” Bucky rolled his eyes. “Besides, I came back just in time for your surgery and to help you get it running.” Sigyn said, pointing at his new vibranium arm. “With Steve gone, you’re stuck training with me.”

Bucky groaned loudly. “I’d take Steve’s training _any day_!” He said, attacking his breakfast.

“Look at the bright side: you’re allowed to take it out on me.”

Bucky nearly choked on his scrambled eggs. “What? I don’t want to hurt you!” He said. “That’s your husband’s job.” He added in a little mutter of disgust.

“Now you’re just being ridiculous.” She said, slightly exasperated. “You do realize you have no room to get mad at me for it.”

“I know.” He growled.

“Good. Now finish up, you need to get that arm working.”

.-

A while later, they were in the training room and Sigyn was giving Bucky one hell of a time. It was necessary, though. Bucky had spent quite a while without an arm. And before that, he had been using Hydra’s, which for all its tech, wasn’t nearly as advanced as this Wakandan one.  
His former arm was heavy and bulky, it restricted some of his moves. He couldn’t fail to see the similarities with his own treatment from Hydra.  
This new arm, however, was light and fast. It responded to his every command immediately. It felt more like a giant silver glove over a real arm. He had to get used to its weight and speed. There were some stumbles and some falls. And a lot of sweat and swearing.

After a fast somersault, Bucky got thrown out of balance again. He lost his footing and cursed as he realized he was going for the floor, face first. Out of nowhere, Sigyn was there breaking his fall, and he landed on her heavily. Metal and flesh arms on her shoulders.

“How did you do that?” He asked a bit out of breath.

“What? Catch you?” She said amused.

Bucky shook his head. He already knew Sigyn was a lot stronger than she looked, being an asgardian and all. He straightened up. “Thank you.” He said with a little smile that faltered quickly. “Your shoulder…”

“What?” Sigyn looked at her shoulder, where the metal arm had hit her.

“You’re bleeding!” Bucky said.

“Ow, it’s okay.” She said dismissively. “Not your fault.”

_I should’ve healed that one too._

_So it’s my fault now?_

_You bit me!_

_You liked it!_

“But, you’re bleeding!” He said again, trying to get close to her, feeling instantly guilty. “My arm--”

“Told you! Not your fault! It’s not a fresh wound.” Sigyn got rid of her sweater and looked at the bite mark.

“Did he physically hurt you now?” His voice was low and somber. Assuming that Loki had mistreated her in any form was enough to get him fuming.

Before Sigyn could answer, Loki was there. Bucky charged at him, but went right through.

“If you were here, I’d smash your head for hurting her!” Bucky was furious.

“As if…” Loki said crossing his arms.

“He didn’t hurt me.” Sigyn said, having healed the wound. “Loki, why are _you_ here?”

“I’ve had enough of this kid pining over you! He needs to know his place!” Loki snarled.

“She’s my friend and you’re hurting her!”

“She’s my wife and you need to get that in your head!”

“I don’t care that she’s your wife if you hurt her!”

“I would never--”

“She nearly died because of you! She was punished for something you did! You’re not even here and still manage to make thing worse!”

“You have the gall to think that if I wasn’t in the picture she’d take an interest in you? That you’d do better? Please! You’re not even whole! You pathetic little mortal couldn’t possibly make her happy!”

“I _know_ I’d do better. I _know_ I’d make her happy!”

“You’re delusional if you’re thinking she’d even consider it!”

“Says the god who considered and FAILED to take over a planet of pathetic little mortals! Bet that made your _dad_ real proud!”

“At least I have all my limbs! What else have you lost, I wonder?”

Loki and Bucky kept going at each other. Sigyn leaned on a wall just to watch them spew testosterone and petty insults back and forth. She was relieved that they weren’t on the same physical space, otherwise they would’ve probably beat each other to a pulp.

“… or decide to find out who has the biggest dick.” She muttered. “Are you done?” Both looked at her. “Please, I was about to summon some popcorn and watch you both talk about me like I’m not even here.” She said.

“What’s pop-?” Loki said and shook his head. “Nevermind. Why are you taking his side again?”

“I’m not taking anyone’s side.” She said, walking up to them. “You both are childish and stupid and have no say in what I feel… or don’t.” A slightly ashamed Sigyn took Bucky’s arm. “It was a bite mark.”

Bucky’s face went blank. That and Loki’s smug smile… It wasn’t that hard to put two and two together. “Oh…” He said, getting an extremely uncomfortable mental image. “Good to know the true reason why you left, then.” He muttered.

Loki was about to say something, but Sigyn snapped her fingers and the illusion disappeared.

_Hey!_

_If you project again I will cut your bellir._

“It was a surprise, okay? I didn’t know he was there until I got--” Suddenly Sigyn shook her head. “Why am I even explaining myself?” She said. “Bucky, I’m sorry, but you need to snap out of it.”

Bucky took a step back, his face showing the sudden hurt.

“I tried to protect you from this as much as I could. Still now, I don’t wanna break your heart.” Sigyn took a deep breath. “I do care about you, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.” She said. “But what you want from me is never going to happen.”

“I know.” Bucky muttered, staring at the ground. His feet were restless and his metal hand was nearly crushing his flesh one.

“Stop doing that.” Sigyn put a hand on Bucky’s chest and got him to calm down. “You know, and yet you haven’t accepted it.”

“You can’t get rid of it for me, then?” He said, looking at her.

“I wish.” She said. “You know there are things I cannot fix for you.”

“I’m sorry.” Bucky took her hands and pulled her close.

_I’m sorry too._

Sigyn closed her eyes for a brief moment. “Now, let’s get back to work. Princess Shuri will be here this afternoon to help with anything technical about your arm.”

Bucky let out a groan of resignation.

.-

Later, on Sakaar, Loki was speed walking down a corridor, muttering curses to himself. He had managed to calm down and was beginning to enjoy a nice evening on the lounge. But he should have known someone would ruin it for him.

“You are really an ass.” Sigyn startled him off his wits.

“Shit! You cannot be here now!” He said, making her projection disappear. As soon as he got to his cubicle and magically checked for intruders and other forms of eavesdropping, Loki let Sigyn cast her illusion to him.

“Loki, what’s wrong?” She asked, really concerned.

“You were right.”

“I’m always right.” She said with a smirk, but it faded fast. Loki was too nervous. “About what?”

“Thor is here.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not happy with it, but it had to be posted.


	17. No more dreaming of the dead

Thor hadn’t spent half a day in Sakaar and already he has been attacked, shot at, electrocuted, microwaved, tortured and sold as a slave.  
His father was dead, his hammer destroyed. Asgard was under the control of his evil sister and he was stuck on this planet on the edge of the universe. At least Loki was alive, but right now he doubted he could be of any help.

He knelt in the cell, facing the wall. He thought of his parents. He had lost them both in such a short time. Frigga’s death was still fresh and painful, no matter how beautiful her ceremony was, her death was untimely. His father at least had chosen to go on his own terms, but he had been away from home.

“Odin…” Thor started, doing the only thing he could do at the moment to honor his father’s memory and to bring some relief to himself. “I bid you take your place in the halls of Valhalla… Where the brave shall live forever. Nor shall we mourn but rejoice,” he breathed out. “…for those that have died the glorious death.”

“…for those that have died the glorious death.” Loki finished the prayer with his brother.

Thor turned around and sat against the wall, staring daggers at Loki.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” Loki said. “Being lied to. Being told you’re one thing and then learning it’s all a fiction.”

Thor picked up some of the stones that littered the floor and threw them at his brother. They went right through. It made Thor rolls his eyes. Loki groaned.

“You didn’t think I’d really come and see you, did you? This place is disgusting.”

Thor still said nothing, and kept throwing stones to a less than amused Loki.

“Does this mean you don’t want my help?” Loki taunted him. “Look, I couldn’t jeopardize my position with Grandmaster, it took me time to win his trust. He’s a lunatic, but he can be amenable.” Loki put his hands behind his back and studied Thor. He knew Thor wanted to go back, and whether he liked it or not, he also had to go. “I know you’re thinking of going back.” Thor looked at Loki curiously this time. “I’m just trying to make sure you understand what it is we’re up against here: Our sister destroyed your hammer like a piece of glass. That makes her stronger than both of us. As you are, you don’t stand a chance. Do you understand what I’m saying to you? You aren’t in a position of kicking your way back.”

Thor just scowled. Maybe he does understand what Loki is saying, but plotting and scheming weren’t things Thor was inclined to do in any situation.

“Fine.” Loki said, sort of defeated. “If we are going back to Asgard--”

“You want to go back?” Thor finally spoke. Loki just raised an eyebrow. “After all you did?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Let me see… You faked your own death, you stole the throne, stripped Odin of his power, stranded him on Earth to die, releasing the Goddess of Death.” Thor said. “Have I said enough, or do you do you want me to go further back than the past two days?” He buffed. “All of this is your fault, as usual.”

Loki’s eyes burned. For once, he wished he was in that disgusting cell, just to punch Thor in the face. Thor stared coldly at him.

“Of course you’d say that.” Loki said, composing himself. “Anyway… I’ve tried to find out about this champion you’re supposed to fight. But the only information I’ve gathered is that he is massive, deadly and savage. Do me a favor and don’t die.”

Thor hurled a particularly big stone at Loki’s head. The illusion disappeared as the rock sank on the opposite wall.

“You do have anger management issues.”

“For Bor’s sake!” Thor said, terribly frustrated, and looked at the woman that had materialized by his side.

“Relax, Thor. I'm just here to pay my respects. I know how hard it is to lose one's family.” Sigyn said. Thor sighed in defeat. In his grief, he hadn't stopped to think about the extended family they had lost.

“Thank you.” Thor muttered.

“And by that I meant Frigga, by the way.” Sigyn pointed out, Thor scoffed.

“Well, after everything I cannot expect you to have any love for Odin.”

“I never did.” She shrugged. “Not after the way he treated Loki his whole life. So I cannot exactly say that his passing saddens me.”

Thor shifted uncomfortably. “Why come back when you found him then? You could’ve killed him… Loki’s spells would’ve been nothing to you.”

“Loki could’ve killed him too, you know? But he didn’t.” Sigyn said, Thor hung his head. “I came back because of _who else_ could find him.” She added. “Hela is the most immediate of your problems, but you know is not the only one.”

“One crisis at the time, sister.” Thor said with a sad smile. “Think Loki will actually help?”

“Loki always does what he wants.” She rolled her eyes. “It would be stupid to try and change his mind.” She took a deep breath. “But right now, he has to go back to Asgard. So he needs you, and you need him.”

“Sometimes I feel like I don’t know him.” Thor said with a sigh. “How do I know if I can trust him?” It wasn’t a question Thor wanted answered, so Sigyn kept silent. “Why does he need to go back?”

Sigyn smirked. “He has his reasons.”

“But you know.”

“Of course I do.”

Thor half smiled. “How will I ever deal with the two of you again?”

“The same way you did for 600 years on Asgard.” Sigyn said with a smile of her own.

Thor sat quietly for a moment, pondering on Loki’s words. He didn’t like it, but Loki was right. He wasn’t going to admit it, but he felt a little jealous of Sigyn’s relationship with his brother. “You always knew what to do with him.” He added. “Since we were kids, you just-- get each other.”

“That’s because I took the time to get him. You never _wanted_ to get him.” She said. “You were happy with your role and the privileges attached to them, so you grew blind to what was going on with Loki.” Her illusion shifted to be sitting in front of Thor. “Odin was never a great father to him, and you know why.”

“Cause he wasn’t his son.” He muttered.

“Loki had to perform to your level without any of the rewards. And if he did succeed, it didn’t matter. You were always going to have the upper hand.” Sigyn bit her lip. “Now, you get to feel a little bit of what he felt when he found out, and you still blame him.”

Thor stiffened a bit, feeling a faint blush on his cheeks. “Well, he has done some stupid things…”

“Haven’t we all?” Sigyn smirked.

Thor exhaled loudly and leaned back. “Is he going to take me out of here?”

“Thor, I might be a witch, but I can only see like 30 seconds into the future.” She said. “I think you’ll have to get yourself out of here.”

“Will he be able to get us back to Asgard?”

“That I know he will. Maybe even with some friends.” She added, looking at a confused Thor. “Look around you, Thor. You’re not alone in here.”

“What are you suggesting?”

“That you use that you’re good at. Punch your way out of this and win.”

.-

Back in the training room, Sigyn sparred with Bucky.  
The time difference she and Loki had made it hard to keep up with everything that was happening in Sakaar. Training with Bucky gave her something to keep her head clear.  
So far she had learned through Loki that the Hulk was the famous Sakaar champion everyone was afraid of (she even made a mental note to tell Steve about it). Thor had fought him and won. The Grandmaster didn’t keep his promise to release him, so Thor escaped. Loki was desperate, and the Grandmaster wasn’t very happy with him.

_If I can’t find that stupid oaf…_

_Relax, you will find him._

Sigyn and Bucky took a break. His arm needed some minor adjustments. She allowed herself to enjoy a cup of tea, until she felt an exhilaration that wasn’t hers. Loki was fighting someone.

_I found a Valkyrie!_

_What?_

_This woman I’m fighting! She’s a Valkyrie!_

_Get inside her head!_

Loki was a bit thrown off by Sigyn’s suggestion. This allowed the Valkyrie to throw him off balance and catch him against the wall.

“I thought the Valkyrie all died gruesome deaths?” He said with a hint of a smirk.

“Choose your next words wisely” The woman pressed her knee against his chest.

“I’m terribly sorry… Must be a painful memory.”

Using one of his favorite tricks, Loki put his hand on the Valkyrie’s head and focused his power on her. Her eyes went blank and her mind showed him her worst memories. A whole army of Valkyries attacking Hela. The goddess destroying them one by one. Their white horses slain. The floor flooded with blood. The sacrifice of one of her own to push her back home. The shame of being the only one left alive, and nothing left to lose.

_Hmm, she might be of some use. Lose._

_What?_

_Did you not see all that? She might help you. Let her beat you._

_You do know how to improve my  selfconfidence._

_She has a better chance of finding Thor as well._

_I am going to regret this._

He didn’t like it, but Sigyn had a point. As soon as the Valkyrie recovered from Loki’s attack on her brain, she turned even more aggressive. With only a couple of moves, she was overpowering him. Accepting defeat, Loki let her knock him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skimming through Ragnarok like 80% of that movie didn't happen xDDD


	18. Is it too late to come on home?

That night sleeping was near impossible. Everything going on with Loki was a fast forwarded series of events and her head was having trouble coping with it.

Their plan had worked. After letting the Valkyrie beat him, Loki was left in her cubicle and she came back 2 hours later with Thor and a de-hulkified Banner ready to escape Sakaar.  
It was a tricky to convince them he wanted to help, but Thor, remembering his conversation with Sigyn, decided to give him a chance.

During their escape through Sakaar, Loki was borrowing every trick he thought could help, particularly her foresight. Sigyn had no other choice than to give up sleep all together and get off the bed. Tea would help, as she watched via Loki everything that was happening.

Thor and Loki were going to steal one of the Grandmaster’s ships. The Valkyrie was in charge of freeing the prisoners and start a revolution. (Or so Thor said).  
After obliterating several scrappers and sakaarian guards, Thor and Loki boarded de elevator to the launching pad.

“You know?” Thor said. “I thought you’d want to stay here on Sakaar.”

Loki gave him a disgusted look. “What?”

“C’mon! This place is great for you! It’s savage, chaotic, lawless… You did great here before I arrived.” Thor continued. “And I’m sure that if it weren’t for Sigyn you wouldn’t be even helping me at all.”

“I’m not helping you, I am helping myself.” Loki deadpanned, if only to hide the slight hurt Thor’s words caused. “Do you truly think so little of me?”

“Loki, I thought the world of you. I thought we were gonna fight side by side forever. But, at the end of the day, you’re you, I’m me…” Thor said, but something felt off to Loki. Maybe it had to do with being using Sigyn’s foresight still. “I don’t know, maybe there’s still good in you, but let’s be honest, our paths diverged a long time ago.”

“Well, after _you_ get to save Asgard, we don’t have to see eachother again.” Loki stood stiffly. If his plan worked, it might actually be true.

“That’s what you’ve always wanted.” Thor said, side-eyeing him, and going to pat his back.

_Obedience disk!_

Loki stepped aside before Thor could touch him. “ _That’s_ how little you think of me, then.” He said, slapping Thor’s hand slightly, making him drop the obedience disk.

Thor’s laugh was sad and fake. “Can you blame me?”

“I can blame you for being your father’s son without questioning it.” Loki said viciously. “Worst part is that you’d take it a compliment.”

They stood in uncomfortable silence until the elevator reached to top floor. Loki was stubbornly staring at the door in front of him, refusing to see the apologetic look in Thor’s face.

“And we are NOT doing get help!”

“I wasn’t--” Thor said as the elevator doors opened. He smiled at the guards running to stop them. “Oh, but it would’ve been so perfect!”

“No. It’s humiliating and I hate it.” Loki instead summoned and threw a couple of daggers to the guards, distracting them enough so Thor could finish them off.

“Which one?” Thor looked around at the several ships stationed there. Loki pointed at the bright red, black and yellow one.

“The commodore. It will get you there fast enough.” He said, busying himself with the control panel.

“Aren’t you coming?”

“We need back up, you oaf!” Loki barked. “Your revolution is coming and they’re not going to fit there.”

“What do you mean they’re coming?” Thor looked at Loki, confused.

“The Valkyrie already set the slaves free. They will need something to escape in.” Loki explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the universe. “I just hope you have impressed them enough to get them to come to Asgard with me.”

“How do you know--?” Thor shook his head, recalling something Sigyn said. “Foresight. I thought that was Sigyn’s trick.”

“It is. I just borrow it.” Loki shrugged.

“That explains so many things…” Thor said, rolling his eyes and jumping in the ship.

“Just make sure Argard is still there when I arrive!” Loki shouted. He then opened the hangar doors so Thor could fly away.

“Don’t worry about him.” Sigyn said, appearing next to Loki.

“I always worry about him. Obnoxious jerk!” Loki said.

“The freed competitors are coming. You need to get the ship ready.”

“Working on it.” Loki worked on the control panel until he managed to start the biggest cruise carrier in the hangar. “That should do.”

“Guards.” Sigyn’s projection shimmered.

“Felt it.” Loki said, shaking his head. “That dizziness is irritating.”

“It happens when you borrow magic that isn’t yours.” Sigyn said, and disappeared.

Loki took cover behind the console, at the same time the ex-prisoners bursted into the room. He had to keep the controls safe, or he would lose his chance to get everyone on the ship. The diverse group of gladiators honored their name and wiped the last of the scrappers and guards.

“Thanks for the help, man!” A being made of rocks said. “My name is Korg. We’re about to jump on that ginormous spaceship. You wanna come?”

“Well, my kronan friend, you do look like you’re in need of leadership.” Loki said with a charming smile.

“Why, thank you!”

“You might be familiar with my brother, Thor, Lord of Thunder…”

Convincing the former gladiators to follow Thor (and him) back to Asgard was easier than expected. The promise of a new life, following the one they thought had saved him was enough. The few who didn’t want to join them, took other ships and went their own way.  
Loki piloted the cruiser out of the hangar, warning his new crew to keep their eyes open and man the few weapons the ship had. Fortunately, most of the sakaaran aerial defenses were down thanks to Thor and co on the other ship. Leaving the city wasn’t much of a problem.

“The revolution has succeeded!” Korg exclaimed. “Now we help our friend, Lord of Thunder.”

Loki smirked, flying the ship with ease over the scrap wasteland.

_Hurry home._

_I will, my love._

Loki’s heart was struck with hope. _Again_. Uncomfortable, nagging hope. Annoying… but it made him smile.  
Nearing the wormhole, the ship started suffering the effects of the radiation and the gravitational pulls. The walls creaked and the cruise jolted violently. Loki signaled Korg and the others to brace themselves.

The wormhole swallowed the cruise with a deafening sound.


	19. Your heart is the only place that I call home

Sigyn rested her chin on a table at the cafeteria, staring at the tea going cold in front of her. It was late, or early, she wouldn’t know anymore. She wanted to go to sleep, but it was impossible. Loki was all over her head and traveling through a wormhole had taken its toll on both of them.

Right now, he was approaching Asgard, which was on fire. Loki could see Fenrir wolf flanking the people of Asgard on the bifrost bridge, the way back to the city blocked by an army of undead. He had to get them out of there. He lowered the ship by the side of the bridge and opened the cargo doors.

“Your savior is here!” Loki exclaimed to all the stunned asgardians, emerging for the fog and the smoke surrounding the ship.

_REALLY? What are you playing at? A mythical angel of mercy?_

He could hear Sigyn giggling in his head.

_I’m good at making entrances._

_You are ridiculous!_

Sigyn snorted loudly.

“What’s so funny?” Bucky interrupted her thoughts. “What are you doing here at 4 am?”

“Just-- nevermind.” She said, straightening up on the chair. “What are _you_ doing here at 4 am?”

“Insomniac, remember?” Bucky said standing in front of her.

“Right. And drunk” Sigyn gestured for him to sit down, while he made a _just a bit_ gesture with his fingers. “I thought after today’s training you’d be sleeping just fine.”

Bucky smiled. “Well, my body agrees with you, my mind doesn’t.” He said, taking a seat. “So, what were you laughing about?”

“You don’t wanna know that.” Sigyn rubbed her head slightly. Loki was fighting some undead soldiers, stealing her foresight. It was uncomfortable. “How did you even get this drunk, though?”

Bucky just giggled. His thoughts were scattered, and offered no answer either. She rolled her eyes and waved her hand. A fresh cup of warm tea appeared on the table, along with some coffee with cream for Bucky. He smiled and took a sip.

“I have a question for you.” Bucky said. “More of a proposition, actually.”

Sigyn shook her head. “I’m going to give you this one chance to reconsider it.”

“Don’t read my mind! It ruins the surprise.” He pouted playfully.

“I am warning you…” She said. “I will not let you blame it on the alcohol afterwards.”

Bucky looked at her intently, if a little out of focus. “I’m just saying, if he got a chance, why can’t I get one?” He asked. “He _is_ stuck at the other side of the universe.” He added with a small smirk. “He doesn’t have to know.”

“Do you know midgardians named me goddess of fidelity for putting up with Loki all this time?” She said, slightly amused, mostly offended. “I don’t think I’d live up to the title if I took your offer.” Bucky chuckled. “And he would know.”

“Not if you don’t tell him.” Bucky mused, trying to get hold of her hand on the table. “You _know_ I won’t tell him.”

“You are hopeless.” Sigyn took a deep breath, moving her hand away from him. "Listen up, Bucko. Like it or not, Loki is my husband.”

“I have trouble figuring out how someone like you ended up married to someone like him.” Bucky took another sip of his coffee. “Oh, right! You didn’t! He tricked you into it!” He giggled, managing to rile her up. She leaned on the table, face few inches away from his.

“I chose to stay married to him, cause fidelity also pertains to my integrity. I am loyal to those," she poked him in the chest as emphasis, "who _deserve_ it.”

“And he deserves it?” Bucky asked, not so smiley now. “A genocidal maniac with a god complex.” He spat out. “One who doesn’t even respect you.”

“If you respected me like you say you do, you would know that my fidelity is not to be questioned or doubted." She started, leaning back again. “I never lied about my feelings, Bucky. You’ve always known it was a dead end.”

“You just lied about everything else.” He said bitterly.

“You can train by yourself tomorrow.” Sigyn stood up.

Bucky wasn’t smiling as he watched her walk away. His insides were burning, partially from the strong pure alcohol he had drunk, but mostly from jealousy.

“I thought you were smarter than to trust him.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them. But he wasn’t going to back out now.

Sigyn stopped and turned to him. “I was stupid enough to stay, knowing you wouldn’t change. But that’s something I can still fix.”

Too tired to deal with his shit, she didn’t wait for Bucky to reply and left. At least Loki was done fighting with ghouls. He was just fuming.

_I will disembowel him the second I step on that retched planet._

_Right now, I will not object to that._

_Back to more urgent matters, Thor is insane._

_That IS something coming from you._

_He has decided to unleash Surtur on Asgard._

“WHAT?” Sigyn sent an illusion to Loki. He was piloting the Commodore back to the palace.

“This is madness.” He muttered. “The people of Asgard are all boarding the cruiser. He figured that if Hela draws her power from Asgard, we should let Surtur destroy it. Ergo, Hela is not longer our problem.”

“That’s-- actually not a bad idea.”

“Surtur’s crown is in the vault.” Loki said with a small smile. “As is the eternal flame.”

“And the tesseract.” They shared a knowing smile. Sigyn made her hand hover over Loki’s face, making him feel the soft static before she disappeared.

Loki crash landed behind the palace and made his way to the vaults, trusting Thor to keep Hela preoccupied. The castle was nearly in ruins and the city was deserted. An empty feeling pressed on his chest, but he had to ignore it and hurry.

_Yes, your precious statue will be destroyed, get over it._

_It was a masterpiece!_

As fast as he could, Loki made his way to the lower levels of the throne room and to the vaults. He nearly tripped in his rush to get Surtur’s crown. With a shaky breath, and hoping Thor plan worked, he placed the crown on the Eternal Flame.

“With the Eternal Flame, you are reborn!” He chanted.

Loki didn’t stay to watch Surtur come alive. He rushed back out and on board the Commodore again, to get as far from the city as possible. After 2 crashes, it took Loki longer than he expected to get the ship running again. And when it finally did, it jolted and cracked as it took off. Everything on the control panel was beeping. Fuel levels dropping, and there was a fire going on somewhere.

_There’s no way I can use this to get to Midgard._

_Making it back to the cruiser would be enough._

Loki soared up, catching a glimpse of the inferno Surtur was unleashing on Asgard. The cruiser was already airborne. Loki set course to it, and wandered the ship, closing doors and compartments. He only hoped the fire wouldn’t reach the control room just yet. The cruiser was near and he saw the Hulk carrying Thor and Valkyrie to the ship in a powerful jump.

He grumbled. At least they were safe.

A deafening roar expanded through the ship. Scared, Loki ran to the console, only to be stunned by the sight outside. Surtur had driven his fiery sword right through the middle of Asgard, effectively shattering the crystalline core that kept it alive. Asgard exploded, and another soundwave hit the commodore hard. Loki didn’t react this time. He stumbled a bit with the impact, but remained still by the window, staring at the scattered pieces that once he called home.

“I can’t say I loved that place.” Loki said, sensing Sigyn beside him. “I haven’t felt like I belong there in many, many centuries.”

“I never liked it either.” Sigyn said, staring at the wreckage. “I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go back. Too many bad memories.”

“Some of it was good.” Loki smiled and looked at her. “And it’s gone, all of it…” He had wanted to witness Asgard's destruction many times, and now that he was, it didn’t give him any satisfaction.

“Asgard is not a place.” Sigyn said, tickling his fingers with her static. “Home is not a place either.” She turned to look at him.

“Ahh, there it is again…” Loki chuckled. “Hope.”

“Is it that bad?” She smiled.

“Yes, it is.” Loki smiled too. “It terrifies me.”

She held his gaze for a few seconds, but the ship jolted violently again and the lights went out. Loki nearly lost his balance.

“This piece of crap is going to crash again.” Loki had to sit on the controls.

“Don’t die yet.” Sigyn said before disappearing.

Pushing every single button on the panel, Loki managed to get enough control over the craft to make the crash against the cruiser as soft as possible. He had to find a way to get to the other ship safely. Teleporting was out of the question, not knowing the ship meant he could get stuck in a wall, or worse.  
With a bit of magic and destruction, Loki made it to the cruiser.  
He roamed the catwalks, trying to keep a low profile and looking for Thor. One of the surviving Einherjar led him to his brother’s quarters.

Thor was standing in the small room, checking his reflection in a mirror. His wounds had been taken care off, including his missing eye, which now sported a eerily familiar patch.

Loki had to roll his eyes at the sight. “It suits you.”

Thor turned to see Loki standing by the door. “Perhaps you’re not so bad after all.” He said with a smile.

“Maybe you’re not either.” Loki concedes. “You did the right thing.”

“Thank you, Loki.” Thor picked up a bottle cap. “If you were here, I might even give you a hug.” He added, throwing the cap at Loki, fully expecting the thing to go through. But it didn’t.

Loki caught the bottle cap and smiled. “I’m here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so close to the end of this!!


	20. I'm trying to find the meaning: Let loss reveal it

The hug Thor trapped Loki in was dripping with apologies. Apologies that Thor was too proud to say, but Loki knew verbal communication wasn’t exactly their family’s forte.

“Thor, my ribs are complaining.” Loki choked out.

“I’m happy that you’re here, brother.” Thor said, stressing the last word to make its meaning clear. “Even if is not just for me.” He added, if a bit heartbroken.

“I know we don’t talk much, but there are things we need to discuss.” Loki said somberly.

“My king.” Heimdall interrupted. Thor gulped hard at the term. “Asgard is waiting.”

Both brothers looked at Heimdall and nodded.

“That’s quite the title.” Loki said with a tiny smile.

“Sure you don’t want it anymore?” Thor’s voice quivered a bit. The title was overwhelming to say the least.

“Nah, I can live without it.” Loki patted Thor’s back, walking with him to the control room.

Whatever was left of Asgard was there. It was time for Thor to step up. He not only had to get some sort of order working, while trying to pick a destination. He also needed to convey a sense of security to these people. HIS people. Those who, like himself, watched their home planet be blasted into oblivion. Most of the asgardians were clutching whatever they had brought from home. Many of them were just holding on to their families and loved ones. No belongings, no riches, barely the clothes they were wearing. Thor felt the huge responsibility to be the strong one, no matter how terrified he actually was. He needed all the help he could get, and the only place he knew had friends who could help not only him, but his people too, was Earth. It wasn’t a hard choice to make.

“Earth it is.”

.-

After making sure everyone was settled as comfortable as they could in the cruiser ship, Thor met with Loki, the Valkyrie, Banner and Heimdall. They still had a few things to go over, not actually knowing how long the trip would take them. At least the ship had updated maps and data, and was also well supplied. They had enough healers, a few Einherjar and several volunteers for the most crucial tasks, like food and hygiene. It gave Thor a headache: they always had people to take care of everything, he couldn’t help but feel useless.

The last part of the conversation was about if Midgard would welcome the Asgardian refugees. Thor was optimistic, Banner in the other hand, not so much. And being the one human, his opinion mattered.

“Humans can be mean and cruel to things they don’t understand, Thor.” Bruce said. “There’s actually no way to know how they will react.”

“Don’t be so negative and give more credit to your people, Banner.” Thor said, convinced people on Earth loved him enough.

Bruce shook his head. “There’s only one of you, Thor. One of you is easy to accept. A whole planet…” He didn’t finish the phrase. He had seen the way humans reacted to whatever was different. Even the color of their skin was a problem. Aliens? Immortal godlike aliens? Definitely a problem.

“We could offer something in exchange: knowledge, technology, protection.” Valkyrie intervened. “Most of the Asgardians are well trained warriors, versed in magic and healing. We could use that to our advantage.”

“Earth is much bigger than Asgard too, we don’t need them all to agree.” Heimdall added.

It was a start. Maybe not all of Earth would be so keen to have them, but the amount of land they needed wasn’t big. Convincing _some_ countries would be easier than to convince the whole world. There were some countries who would be more inclined to accept them. Those which had fed on their myths.

_Loki, you need to tell them._

_I know. I just-- I’m trying to. Can you be here?_

_I’ll be right by your side._

“Maybe--” Loki finally spoke. “Maybe if we had something to bargain with… something apparently the whole world needs.” They all stared at him.

“Like what?”

“Show them.” Sigyn’s illusion appeared behind Loki, crossing her arms. “Hello, Bruce! I’ll send your regards to Natasha and Steve.”

Thor smiled, Heimdall shook his head, Valkyrie stared in confusion and Bruce nearly jumped off his chair.

“Ah, friends!” Thor said enthusiastically “This is Sigyn. My brother's wife. She’s not really here though, she’s actually on Midgard.”

Loki had to roll his eyes at Thor’s joy.

“You’re _Loki’s_ _wife_?” The Valkyrie and Bruce exclaimed at the same time, looking back and forth between Loki and Sigyn.

“Yes, she’s my wife.” Loki said, annoyed. “You can both close your mouths now. We are not going into the details of how we got married and everything in between.”

“Not now at least.” Sigyn added. “You need to know about something.”

Loki and Sigyn shared a look, and he waved his hand on the air, making the tesseract appear on the table.

“Loki, for fuck’s sake!!” Thor grumbled and rubbed his face.

“You had this the whole time?” Banner asked.

“It has been stored in the vaults of Asgard since we brought it back from Midgard. We stole it on our way out.” Loki said with a shrug.

“Surtur could have destroyed it, if you had left it there!” Thor said. “One less problem!”

“No.” Heimdall interrupted. “Not even Surtur can destroy an infinity stone.”

“Wha-what’s an infinity stone?” Bruce asked, looking around at the asgardians.

Heimdall briefly explained the nature of the stones and their power. He told Bruce the Avengers had come in contact with them, he even had worked with the mind stone itself. Then, Loki picked up the explanation. He told them of Thanos, his plans to wipe out half the universe and how he had been played into his schemes.

“New york-?” Bruce gulped.

“It wasn’t entirely his fault.” Sigyn responded. Loki was looking down, trying to keep a straight face. His body was fast to heal, his mind wasn’t. The memories were still engraved in him.

Thor just stared at Loki, wondering what had happened. But he knew not to ask yet.

“Thor,” Loki started again, with a sigh. “This is your leverage.”

“We stole it cause we made a deal.” Sigyn helped. “We were going to buy Loki’s stay on Earth with it. Now you can use it for all of Asgard.”

“Maybe we could use it… Tap into his power.” Bruce stared at the shining cube. “Didn’t Erik Selvig open a portal? Couldn’t we open one and get us all to Earth?”

Loki shook his head. “The amount of energy it needs to build such a portal is too much.”

“I can summon that much energy.” Thor said.

“And break the ship in half in the process.” The Valkyrie chided. Everyone looked at her. “We’ve all seen his lightning. Without something to harness it, it will just blow up.”

Thor shrugged in agreement. It made him miss Mjolnir, he knew his weapon could’ve helped him.

“We’ll have to get to Midgard the slow way.” Loki made the cube disappear.

The group remained silent for a couple of minutes. Thor was actively staring at Loki, while he pretended not to notice. Bruce was all fidgety, wanting to ask…

“You- you know Steve?” Bruce asked Sigyn.

“Yes.” She said with a small smile.

“H-how are they doing?”

“They had a rough patch. But Natasha is doing fine.” Sigyn said, knowing exactly what Bruce wanted to know. “I should see Steve in a couple of days.”

“Okay…” Bruce said sheepishly. The Valkyrie held his hand and offered to find a drink for him. With that, they left, and Heimdall followed suit.

Sigyn was about to disappear too.

“Don’t leave yet.” Loki blurted. “Sigyn…”

Thor was still staring at Loki, but waited until the others were gone to say anything. “I wanna know what happened to you after you fell from the bifrost.”

Loki chuckled sadly. “Can I just say it wasn’t pleasant?”

“Please.” Thor sat beside Loki. “I need to know.”

“Loki…” Sigyn said softly. “I can help you show him.”

Loki looked at Sigyn and then at his brother. “It will be easier than to tell you, but it’s going to hurt.”

Thor nodded stiffly, not really understanding what they were going to do, or how. But he didn’t question it. Loki put his hand on top of Thor’s and closed his eyes.

The images that flooded Thor’s mind were mindblowing. He saw himself as Loki, wandering through worlds until he was captured by the Black Order, and the torture started. First, it was the starvation, weakening him to the point of death, but never getting there. Then came the pain. Endless and cruel pain. Thor felt his skin burning, the very blood in his veins boiling, his insides turned to molten lava. The air was scorching his lungs. He wanted to rip his bones out, if that meant the pain would stop. His brain was being picked and torn apart, just to be put back together. Thor fought the urge to scream himself sore, but he was so exhausted and crippled, he wasn’t sure he’d make a sound. He was terrified. He knew he would do and say anything to end the torture. Even dying.

 _Please just let me die._ Thor heard the voices in his head. _No, you have another purpose, we’ll use you and your power, your motivation. You’ll live, little puppet. You’ll live and serve our cause_. A dark figure laughed cruelly in the distance. _If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevasse where I can't find you._ Thor couldn’t breathe. _You think you know pain? I will make you long for that so sweet as pain._

After what it felt like forever, Loki let go of Thor’s hand and Thor came back to reality with a loud gasp. He gulped air greedily, as if he hadn’t breathed in ages. He was sweating profusely, tears streamed down his face. He felt like throwing up, as he fell to his knees.

“Loki, grab him.” Sigyn said.

“I can’t do healing magic!” Loki panicked a bit.

“But I can. It might be weak, but it will be enough.”

Loki grumbled under his breath and held Thor up, placing a hand on his chest. The faintest golden light glowed on Loki’s hand. It was enough for Thor to overcome the nausea. Everything else - it wasn’t that simple. Thor looked at Loki, his face a myriad of emotions: concern, regret, sadness, anger. He couldn’t believe what he had been shown. But there was no doubt in his heart that it was true.

“Why didn’t you say something?” Thor breathed out, sitting back on the chair. “Why didn’t we know this?”

Loki just stared at Thor, expression unreadable. He shook his head and swallowed hard, not wanting to talk anymore. He shared a sad look with Sigyn, before she dissolved in a golden glow.  
Thor waited for Loki to say anything. His heart and his head were still pounding. He could still feel the lingering pain on his skin. Thor still had too many questions, and he looked at Loki pleadingly, but Loki stood up and turned to leave.

“Frigga knew.” Loki muttered, standing by the door. “She was the only one who _asked_.”


	21. I've always been more comfortable in chaos.

_I’m on my way, love._

Sigyn smiled as she looked at the horizon. The sun had already set, and the stars blinked into view. Somewhere among those stars, Loki was on a cruiser ship, making his way back to her.

_I hope we get there soon. Thor has been a pain in my asgardian soul since I told him everything._

Sigyn chuckled to herself.

_Do you have any idea how far are you?_

_A vague one. But we need to resupply. It isn’t a straight route._

Sigyn closed her eyes, wishing with all her being Loki made it in one piece. It had been little over a week since the destruction of Asgard, at least for her. Loki didn’t have much notion of time in space.  
She’d spend those days trying to keep her head busy. She started training Wanda, who had come back with Steve and Natasha for a short visit.

Wanda was a great student. It wasn’t just how powerful she was, but a matter of redirecting all that energy in a useful form. Wanda had to keep reminding herself that of she unleashed her powers mindlessly, her friends could easily get hurt too. So Sigyn recruited Natasha to help with Wanda.  
Steve took over training with Bucky, who had been nothing more than a wet blanket since their last conversation.  
Her foresight became his doom. Sigyn always knew when he'd come, and what he'd say. She wouldn't give him a chance to explain, cause there was nothing to explain. Nothing she didn't already know either.

Bucky was basically screwed. And Sigyn found it hard to care much for it.

She had other priorities now, and her heart was with Loki all the time. These snippets and conversations were sacred to her. In the cooling night air, Sigyn felt warmness spread through her, static ghosting over her skin. The equivalent of a hug. A short lived moment of calm: someone was coming.

_Ooh, something has gotten you mad._

_You can see who’s coming._

_Did you tell him that I will disembowel him?_

Sigyn smiled to herself, and stood up before Bucky could sit by her side.

“The quinjet is ready to leave?” She said dryly, reading Bucky's mind before he could speak.

“Would you stop doing that?” Bucky huffed. “I’ve been trying to apologize--”

“You _know_ I can read your mind.” Sigyn interrupted. “You don’t want to apologize. You want to justify yourself, and there’s a difference.” She tried to walk to the hangar, but Bucky stood in front of her.

“What am I supposed to do then?”

“Get over it.” She stated. “I’ve said it before: what you want from me is never going to happen.”

Bucky hung his head. “I-”

“You have hope, you think you can convince me that you are _‘better’_.” She said adding air quotes to the word. “It doesn’t work like that!”

“I know.”

“You always say that.”

Sigyn huffed and shook her head. In a sudden move, she put her hand on Bucky’s chest, making him gasp loudly. The feelings he was being fed were _too much_. Love, respect, trust, warmth, passion, compassion… a thousand years of sharing _everything_. The way it filled his every single cell was overwhelming. He started shaking, his body not able to contain the surge of emotions.

“You can’t go against it, Bucky.” Sigyn said softly, releasing him from the spell. “Nor I would let you.”

.-

The quinjet left Sigyn in London before taking Steve, Natasha and Wanda to Belfast. Stephen Strange was waiting for her in the made up landing site, portal ready to get back to the sanctum. He even had tea for her, and they had a pleasant breakfast while discussing Sigyn’s lessons, healing magic and information about Thanos.

One unspoken question hung over them. Stephen didn’t know how to ask.

“I thought you didn’t like me reading your mind.” Sigyn smiled knowingly.

“Just this once…” He said.

“I cannot heal what’s already dead, Stephen.”

“I am not dead.” He mused.

“You’re a doctor. What happens when you cut the basic supply systems of a cell?”

“It dies.” Stephen shifted in his chair. “But it has been proven that some nervous cells are capable of regenerating.”

“Indeed. Living cells are capable of multiply and replace the damaged tissue. Those cells already did their job and fixed your hands the best they could.”

He let out a deep breath. “But it wasn’t enough.”

“What is dead cannot be healed, cause there’s nothing to heal.”

Stephen sighed deeply. “I know now why none of my experiments worked.”

“I am sorry. I can lessen the tremor if you want me to.” Sigyn offered, getting a confused look from Stephen. “The new tissue is hyperexcitable. That I can fix. It won’t stop the tremors completely, but it will help.”

He nodded and extended his trembling hands on the table.

“Let’s make a lesson out of this.” She said.

Sigyn took one of Stephen’s hand in between her own. A golden light made his hand glow, it felt warm and prickly.

“As you must know, magic in its simplest form is energy manipulation.” She explained, and he nodded. “What you do with spells is channel energy, manipulate it, bend it, stretch it. You can open a portal to another dimension, send a message across the multiverse.” His hand started to burn a little, and the softening scars itched. “Healing is trickier cause you’re not dealing with something lifeless that will bend to your command. Life has her own way and you’re trying to make her go in the other direction.”

“Entropy.” He said in realization. “The universe tends to chaos.” Stephen watched Sigyn nod and smile. “Is that why you married him?”

“There are many reasons for that.” She answered. “Chaos is part of his nature, makes sense that most people don’t like him when they spend all their lives trying to control something they can’t. Odin tried, Thor tried, Frigga tried…”

“And you succeeded.”

Sigyn shook her head. “I didn’t try. I never wanted to control him. I understand his nature and just go with it.” She said. “I love him for everything he is. Why would I try to change him?”

The burning feeling on his hand got worse, and Stephen flinched.

“I think that’s enough for today.” Sigyn said, the gold glow fading a bit.

“I can take it.” He started, wanting her to continue.

“But your hand can’t.”

The hot sensation was replaced by a cool soothing one. Stephen relaxed and moved his hand. He immediately noticed the difference between the one Sigyn had treated and the one she hadn’t. He smiled.

“Above all, a healer needs patience, and a real high frustration tolerance.” She stood up and walked to one of the many portals. “The Ancient One used to have a garden here.”

“Yes, it was moved to the upper floor.”

Stephen led her upstairs and inside the garden. Sigyn picked a tree and took a fruit. Without separating it from the branch, she summoned a small blade and cut a deep gash on it.

“Heal it.” She ordered. “Will its energy to heal itself.”

Stephen looked confused, but still put his hand on it. Orange circlets surrounded his hand and the fruit. He concentrated hard, feeling the resistance from the life force of the fruit. He managed to heal barely half an inch at the bottom of the gash before he had to rest.

“It’s much harder than you make it look.”

“I’ve had 5 of your lifetimes of training.” She smiled. “Again.”

Stephen repeated the exercise several more times, with little success. He was draining himself with the effort. His orange circlets were dimmer with each attempt.

“Enough.” Sigyn said when the last circlet broke mid try. “You fight against it too much. It must heal itself, you just have to guide it.”

The lesson kept going for another hour, until Stephen was sweating and exhausted. Sigyn made him stop despite his protests, and gave him a few titles to read.  
The next few days followed the same pattern. It was hard for her to teach Stephen patience. So she had him meditate for a few hours every morning. Whatever progress was slow, but it was there. He also had to be very grateful, Sigyn’s treatment of his hands had greatly reduced the shaking.

Loki also made a few appearances on the Sanctum, just to inform Stephen that he was fulfilling his part of the deal and how their situation had changed. Stephen was very understanding of Asgard’s situation, but he was just one man, in no position of power. Combining efforts, they tried to get a portal to the ship, but the gem was too powerful and would resist any treatment. There was nothing for them to do but go at the speed of the cruiser.

Loki didn’t like that. Fear grew inside of him with each passing day. He needed to get to Midgard, but at the same time dreaded it. Would people of Earth actually let him live there? Loki didn’t need him to like him, he just needed some peace. Peace he hadn’t seen in 300 years.  
He was staring out the bay window when Thor found him.

“May is ask what is on your mind?” Thor asked. “You’ve been growing restless lately.”

“I’m just wondering if it’s a good idea to bring _me_ back to Midgard.” Loki said.

“Probably not, to be honest.” Thor chuckled, he needed no explanation for Loki’s reservations. “But I wouldn't worry, brother. I feel like everything's gonna work out fine. Besides, there’s someone waiting for you over there.” Thor added with a smirk.

Loki couldn’t manage to hide his smile, almost rolling his eyes at his brother’s optimism. He wished he could feel that way too, but hope was still uncomfortable and terrifying. Thor patted Loki’s back, sharing a smile, but it quickly faded as both brothers observed the large shadow that loomed over their ship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter to go.  
> Yes, you can yell at me.


	22. A sign that read: The end of love

Sigyn was meditating with Stephen again. His progress had been less than satisfactory for him, he insisted on draining himself during the lessons, no matter how many times Sigyn told him it was useless. Stephen needed to wind down before they could continue.  
She had managed to relax her mind enough, but she could feel a certain urgency underneath. She kept repeating herself Loki was fine, that whatever issue, he would solve it and make it safe back to her. But the fear spread through her mind like wildfire.

Sigyn broke her meditation, startling Stephen.

_No._

She gasped for air and clutched at her throat. Desperation filled her senses, as fast as the air was slipping out. She could hear Stephen saying something, holding her up, but her ears were buzzing.

_Loki!_

_I am so sorry, my love. It looks like I won’t be able to keep my promise._

_Nonononono!! Don't-_

Sigyn closed her eyes tight and focused on Loki. She saw Thanos’ face in front of her, his hand on Loki's throat, squeezing Loki's life away. The tesseract was in his power. The ship had been destroyed. Thor was kneeling on the floor, bound by heavy metal pieces. Loki was clawing helplessly at the titan’s hand as he drifted off consciousness.

_I am so sorry. I love you so much!_

_Loki, don't let go! I can-_

_You can't, not this time, Sigyn…_

Loki's life was slowly slipping from her grasp. The lack of air was clouding her vision, as were the tears. The pit of her stomach jolted harshly and painfully, as if someone was ripping her insides out through her skin.

_Please! I cannot lose you again!_

_I love you._

Sigyn screamed. Her shaking hands were turning blue, her lungs were screaming for air, her head felt like it was going to explode. Her stomach jolted again, and again. Each time more painful than before.

_No resurrections this time._

With an excruciating pain on the back of her neck, Sigyn passed out on the floor.

.-

_Dark._

_Cold._

_Where am I?_

When Sigyn woke up again, she was pained and disoriented. Opening her eyes, she realized she was still in the sanctum, laying on a sofa. Out of habit, she tried to reach for Loki, just to realize _he wasn’t there._ The breath she took was more of a sob and tears filled her eyes.

The noise alerted Stephen, who rushed to her side.

“What happened? Do you feel okay?” He said, sitting beside her.

Sigyn shook her head. She couldn’t say it, not yet.

“The asgardians won’t be making it to Earth.” She muttered. “Their ship was attacked.” Sigyn swallowed hard. “He’s coming.”

Stephen’s face lost all its colors. “Well, damn…”

Several images flooding her head made Sigyn dizzy. “Company… New York Sanctum.”

Before Stephen could ask, Wong sent a warning. Stephen and Sigyn took a portal to the New York Sanctum, and they arrived at the same time a loud crashing sound shook the whole building. A multicolored light Sigyn recognized as bifrost bridge light had come through the ceiling, bringing Bruce with it. He was coming back from being the Hulk, and stared at the wizards, confused. Then, he saw Sigyn.

“Heimdall?” She asked faintly. Bruce just nodded.

“Where am I?” Bruce said, getting out of the pile of rubble.

“New York.” Stephen said cautiously. “You know him?” He asked Sigyn.

“Briefly.” She closed her eyes again, still disoriented. “Emergency, I have to get back.”

Wong helped Bruce and provided some clothing. Stephen just looked at Sigyn, confused. But before he could ask, her phone beeped.

“We are under attack.” She said, not reading the text. “You need to contact Tony.” Bruce nodded again. He wanted to say something, but didn’t know _how_. Sigyn smiled faintly. “Thank you for the sentiment, Bruce.”

“So he’s--” He stopped talking when he noticed her flinch. “And Thor?”

“Alive, but too far to help you for now.” Sigyn took another deep breath. “Portal, please…”

Stephen held her wrist to allow her to summon the portal. At the same time, he broke her bindings to Earth.

“Thanks.” She said softly, as he summoned the portal.

As soon as she was back in Wakanda, she went to find Shuri and T’Challa. Fortunately, she didn’t have to explain the situation. Steve had already contacted them. And the big ass spaceship hovering over New York was in every news station all over the world. She flinched visibly when the news mentioned Loki in their reports. Fortunately, no one dared to ask.

Shuri informed Sigyn that after everyone left, Bucky had decided to take a little break in the farms. There wasn’t much left for him to do in the city: His arm was okay, and he didn’t like training alone. But now, they needed him back. Sigyn accompanied Shuri to retrieve him.

“Sigyn?” Bucky said as soon as he saw both women. “What happened?”

Shuri was the one to answer him, briefly explaining the current situation and telling him Steve was on his way, with Natasha, Wanda and Vision.

Bucky sighed deeply and looked down. “We can’t seem to catch a break.”

“There’s something else.” Sigyn said.

“I will go wait in the car.” Shuri excused herself, reading the obvious heaviness of the scene.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky could see the distress in her face, noticed the red and swollen eyes.

“He’s--” Sigyn couldn’t say it. She had managed to keep it inside for the time being, they had more urgent things to take care of.

She was still feeling disoriented. Empty. She needed someone to anchor her back down.

“Loki?” Bucky offered.

“He was murdered.” She deadpanned. “And it’s my fault.”

Trying to keep a steady voice, Sigyn explained to Bucky how they were going to buy Loki’s way to Earth. As best as she could, she told him about the destruction of Asgard and Loki stealing the tesseract.

“It didn’t work. Thanos caught up with them. Destroyed everything--”

She couldn’t keep the tears inside anymore. Bucky immediately hugged her to his chest as she started crying. The silence and the emptiness clawed her insides like a parasite, absorbing every bit of hope she had left. She had been robbed of her future with Loki again! She would not let that go unpunished. Anger raged, overtaking the sadness. If she had to, she’d kill Thanos herself. It didn’t matter if she died trying, Thanos would pay.

_And if I fail, at least we will be together again._

Bucky held her close, and stroked her back soothingly until she calmed down enough. Now that she had a plan, she felt slightly better.

“Thanks for the sentiment, Bucky.” Sigyn said, before he could say anything. “Thanks for not being happy about it either.”

“How could I be happy for something that is causing you this much pain?” He said. “I wish I could tell you it’s gonna be alright.”

“It will.” _As soon as I get my revenge, it will._

“Guys?” Shuri interrupted. “Sorry, but they’re arriving.”

Sigyn and Bucky jumped in the car, and remained silent until they reached the airfield. As they walked on the runway toward the quinjet, Sigyn used her magic to change into her full asgardian armor. Bucky wanted to say something about her safety. But he took one look at her and was rendered speechless. The leather trousers, the golden skirt, the green chest plate, the shining bracers and her circlet made her look every bit of the goddess she was.

“Seriously, Barnes?” She said, picking up on what he was thinking.

“Yeah, it sounded stupid even in my head.”

Steve came out of the quinjet, followed by Natasha, Vision, Wanda, Bruce and Rhodey. Shuri rushed Vision and Wanda inside. Bruce followed, knowing he could help.

“Bruce told us what happened while traveling.” Steve offered an apologetic look.

Sigyn knew Steve wasn’t one for sentiment, but she could still read his mind. “Thank you.”

“You’re joining us?” He asked, taking in her armor and the determination on her face.

“Aren’t you the _Avengers_?” She said with a hint of a scowl. “I’m going to avenge my husband.”

 

**.the end.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES!! THAT IS THE END!! YOU CAN ALL HATE ME!!  
> I'm all emotional about it too...

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated!  
> You can also yell at me on my [tumblr](http://fadingcoast.tumblr.com/) and/or [twitter](https://twitter.com/FadingCoast)!!


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